DOCTOR J CALLS

ME, WHY ARE YOU CALLING


DR. J. I AM LEAVING

ME, ARE THEY GETTING A NEW DOCTOR?

DR. J THEY ARE SHUTTING DOWN THE PAIN CLINIC

ME, PLEASE REFER ME SOMEWHERE

HANG UP...........CRY...........GO TO HAPPY HOUR GET DRUNK......... NUMB........... STILL NUMB.........SCARED TO BREATHE.......


I am begging the universe to not allow my life to return to how it was prior to meeting Dr. Joseph.

I am going to try the Zoo again today. My last attempt was a nightmare well nightmarish....... ( it can always be worse)

I need this surgery to come and go. He's living dose by dose and his diet is what ever won't hurt him to eat.

Now for some GOOD NEWS

Twice I have caught Zach reading. I was in the kitchen and I was going to make my famous boil chicken ( all I can do in the kitchen is boil water and drop in what I want to cook) So, I have a frozen bag of chiken breasts. I don't touch raw meat I don't know why......... it's yucky.

Zachary's says " Foster Farms" Then he talks a few lines from the commercial. ( a little branding logo reconginiton but that's great too)

Zach was asking for Animal Planet and I saw the TiVo recording.....so I clicked to see what it was..... ( 24, love that show)
Zachary says, " not FOX" OK I am thinking a little animal becasue he wants animal planet and he can't always read a word other than where he learned the word. He knows Fox on Sox....... but he recognised the words F... O......X.....

I said, Zach you are reading! He says, NO I am Not! yes, you are! NO I AM NOT! OK

So the next time he read something I gave him some straws to play with and said that's for nice reading..... He said oh good reading....thank you. ( lets save the bit about the straws for later)

I feel like I am lieing if I don't tell all the painful things that are going on ...........
I feel like I will weaken myself if I talk about it........
I feel like I am ok and getting better and I am don't want to risk failing....
I feel like it's too soon to talk about it.......

I feel like avoiding reality.
I feel like telling you that I am thinking about you and you make me stronger and thank god for your support.

I was just looking for some compassion mean while Zach took a nap and woke up friendly again.

We are better. ...... I have to go to the DMV

Isn't that still some kind of hell?

HELL SHOWED UP

He is in massie pain, he is hungery and can't eat enough. He is starting pubertry. He says WHAT? after everything I say.

IN the middle of the night when I desperately want to sleep for twenty mins. I started to think like this....I can't take it anymore. I am so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Please let me sleep. I can't do this. I must sleep. Make him be quiet. Where is his father? What can I do? How long have I been doing this? This is hell. These thoughts are the thoughts of the devil herself.

SO I try to count because he used to fall asleep when I would count. I get to 39 and he paused so I keep saying 39, 39 , 39 , 39 , 39 Like a crazy person. But for some reason he just needed to cry.

If I could just transition his mind from yelling at me to any new idea even crying then maybe he'd calm down. He did he listened to me say 39 and then he cried.

I passed out for a little bit I mean I was just really at the end and I fell over asleep. I don't have it to go on so I just pass out.

Now he' s sleeping. I should be too. I can't I feel like crying myself. He's a new kind of miserable. Pain with a little puberty mixed in. Under all of his problems there is a very frustrated teenager who thinks his mom is preventing him from having fun. In his mind we could live at the Zoo. BUT WHY?

The zoo was a disaster and I am still paying for it.

His tooth is hurting so badly. He's yelling at me. He says BUT WHY? WHAT?? after every thing I say. He is trying to force his way. He's huge. I have several appointments this week. Including an In home visit.

I quit drinking coffee everyday. So today, in my hour of need. I am getting a sugar free vanilla latte from Coffee Tea and bean. My sister is on her way with it now. Can you think of anything better? I drank my protien shake and now I am going to have coffee.

Everything is going to be ok.......

It's overcast, marine layer.... so we are going to the Zoo!

Pictures to follow.

I know I am pushing him and he's tired but a kid needs fun and I will take this slow and probably just do a couple of sections.

But still ZOOO DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS Happy Birthday sister!

Zach's foot bone
Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

These are Zachary's X Rays.
I was across the hall but could not resist snalling a photo and hoping you can tell it's a foot! We are off to the hospital today and we should have some blood test results in. Answers or more questions but at least things are dieng done and we are going forward.

The doc can blow up the zxray and really take a close look at the bones. It was kind of cool. I am not sure how much radiation I was exposed to that week. He also had mouth X rays taken as well as multiple X rays of his foot.

Thank you my best blog friends for your kindness. I actually think of you while I am waiting around there....obvisioulsy or I would not have wipped out my camera for such a thrilling shot of Zach's bones!

Thursday, I have to talk to the doctor about Zachary's penis.

I have emailed him reagarding this matter and I tell you, it's not something I want to talk about in person.

I tried to email the doctor to avoid talking to him about it. Today I got his response email.

"lets talk about this on Thurs during your follow up visit"

Help me!


Hello, doctor my son is just entering puberty. He doens' t want my help in the bath tub anymore. I am not sure if he is taking proper care of his penis. At this point I should be on the floor rolled over trying not to piss myself.


When my ex and I were at the hospital because of false labor which by the way was worse than my real labor. We happened to be next to a baby that had a botched circumcision. So they had to "CUT MORE OFF" The screams still haunt me and at that moment my ex and I delcared no way were we letting the military butchers cut off the end of our son's penis.

I didn't know I would be a single mother and I didn't know my son would be autistic and now he is a , hey don't touch me kind of kid. Now, I have to talk to doctors about a penis and circumcision. I don't have that kind of maturity.

Zach will look at me mortified and I will fall apart in laughter.

My grandfather warned me that the day would come where I payed for this. After Thursday I might have to call him up and tell him he was right! I hope not though.

I hope you had a Happy Mothers Day!

We started out going for our traditional movie marathon and ended up with the traditional Nap.
He is going teen ager on me and that means better movies! But less room on the couch.
We had some fun and I hope you all did too.

I have three days until my next doctors apointment! What am I going to do? Laundry! Also I hope to finish with this closet and book purging I started.

Why do I make a bigger mess when my intention is to clean? I still have too many things. I am trying to get rid of all nic nacks...... this is insane. I don't mind book ends or picture frames a few candle sticks but the rest...... what is the point?

Of course I have to start thinking about who gave it to me and then I know I am in trouble.

It's a huge mess here. I know I will be glad that I took the time to sort and donate instead of just throwing things out. This is better for the environment. Good for the janitors kids who have nothing and some of Zach's stuff is brand new.

I used to buy things out of desperate hope that it would help him or work for us. Hell, I used to buy stuff just to get him to leave the store with me. Only for him to never touch it agian. Oh I am glad to say goodbye to the those times and stuff that came with it.

Lets face it. I am making room for my future. A bigger kid, with bigger toys and bigger fits.

Zach was fitted for a new brace. I am so glad because I cast is not going to work.
We have to do weight bearing excercises. This is kind of good for me becaue I 've been dieting and just getting a work out started. We'll do it together now. Also, he will be able to swim this summer.

I think they will go ahead and take out his wisdom teeth on this next mouth surgery. This would make it necessary for us to stay a few days in the hospital but it will be the end of tooth extractions and teething issues. I am glad to know this is in the works. Something will be over with. OH what a feeling!

So we've got so many tests out at the labs. Hoping to get some answers in a couple of weeks.


It was crueling at the hospital and yet I think it saved our summer by having all the docs weigh in on this leg issue. It's just not ok to imobilize him. Poor kid can not escape the pain.

He's cute, he is learning that mom can be "just joking" It is very sweet to see the wheels turning in his head and see him come back and tell me, " Are you joking?"

Zachary has multiple fractures in his ankle and foot.
He needs a cast for at least six weeks. usually more with low bone desity.

The problem with a cast is that imobilizing his leg that has complex regional pain syndrome will worsen the complex regional pain syndrom. If I don't cast him he could heal wrong or do more damage to his bones.

Back to the hospital first things this morning. Looks like many vists are in my near future.

We see the dentist and then an orthopedic surgeon.

We went in early for blood test last week and the tests had to be sent out so it really wasn't as helpful as I thought it would be.
the results will most likely get us referred to an endocrinologist. One was consulted already, to help order the appropriate tests.

This is adding two more doctors to the five I see consitently already. Not to mention the fear of fragility fractures. This requires a change in lifestyle. Your ankle is one thing but the spine is not ........well..... I am not going to spell it out .....everyone knock on wood right now.

Zach and Mattie

Zach and Mattie
Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Another day at the hospital.......

What makes it tolerable? A dog of course!

Mattie's story

Love on 4 paws is a terrific organization. The kids really do feel better after petting the dogs.

I often think that one day Zach will have a dog and we will be able to visit seniors or kids stuck in the hospital. I will never forget the first dog Zach met at a Hospital. It happened to be at Huntington Hosp. I had called 911 because he was turning blue. He had not slept for days. They admitted us and a dog camee to visit. I threw a blanket on the floor. The dog and Zach laid down and for the first time in days and days, Zachary fell asleep. So did the dog!

We've met Mattie before. We have a picture of zach and Mattie on the cell phone. So Zach was comfortable with her and took her leash and walked her around the waiting room and told her she was a good girl.

Mattie is a featured story on www.Loveon4Paws.org go check it out.
if you have a sweet dog and are interested in volunteering, you will find information on that on the site.

Dr. G

Hey, Jen. Can you come in tomorrow? Can you come in and go to the lab first so we have the results by the time I see you?

Me, yes, Thank you

Dr. G. I've called a cople of Docs to see if they can see Zach in house. If they can't you'll have to go to the Ortho Hospital.

Me, OK, Thank you.

Me. Google low bone minerization in children.

I predict nothing shows up on the tests and that would be good news. More mystery is better than a known cause in this case.

Doctor called got my voice mail,

Jen x rays don't look good. You have to go to Ortho. Keep zach limited mobilty. We are thinking of a cast. Please email me with an update on how he is.

Talk to you soon.

Doctor G


What I am thinking...... I do not what to do summer in a cast....we need to swim......why the hell didn't I move to a lower lever?
OMG I have been letting Zach walk! I am in a visicous cycle of guilt and revocovery to motivation to bad news..... numb........to guilt...... to motivated......to bad news......... numb. Ok, just fight for a brace that comes off and then worry about cycle later.

Damn you salizar! ( anyone know where this saying comes from?)