HELL SHOWED UP

He is in massie pain, he is hungery and can't eat enough. He is starting pubertry. He says WHAT? after everything I say.

IN the middle of the night when I desperately want to sleep for twenty mins. I started to think like this....I can't take it anymore. I am so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Please let me sleep. I can't do this. I must sleep. Make him be quiet. Where is his father? What can I do? How long have I been doing this? This is hell. These thoughts are the thoughts of the devil herself.

SO I try to count because he used to fall asleep when I would count. I get to 39 and he paused so I keep saying 39, 39 , 39 , 39 , 39 Like a crazy person. But for some reason he just needed to cry.

If I could just transition his mind from yelling at me to any new idea even crying then maybe he'd calm down. He did he listened to me say 39 and then he cried.

I passed out for a little bit I mean I was just really at the end and I fell over asleep. I don't have it to go on so I just pass out.

Now he' s sleeping. I should be too. I can't I feel like crying myself. He's a new kind of miserable. Pain with a little puberty mixed in. Under all of his problems there is a very frustrated teenager who thinks his mom is preventing him from having fun. In his mind we could live at the Zoo. BUT WHY?

The zoo was a disaster and I am still paying for it.

His tooth is hurting so badly. He's yelling at me. He says BUT WHY? WHAT?? after every thing I say. He is trying to force his way. He's huge. I have several appointments this week. Including an In home visit.

I quit drinking coffee everyday. So today, in my hour of need. I am getting a sugar free vanilla latte from Coffee Tea and bean. My sister is on her way with it now. Can you think of anything better? I drank my protien shake and now I am going to have coffee.

Everything is going to be ok.......