My New Earth work is actually on It's a text messaging book club. In case you came here from the Oprah website and were wondering where it all is. I'll bring my New Earth Work over here because, I guess this is where it's meant to be. Welcome to Jippyjabber! PS I am auntjippy on the Oprah message boards.

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy New Year!

Rose Bowl Peek A Boo! I take Zach to Starbucks. We sit in the car and wait. The flashing lights start. A police esscort of the Rose Parade Floats coming into town and lining up. Open the window and take a huge wiff! They smell so good and weird. You are assaulted by the many different aromas. We follow them, they move slow but zach feels like the police are making way for us. Then we do the craziest thing. We drive the parade route. We get hit with marshmellows and silly string. ZACH waves and yells Happy New Year! I motion to all the naughty boys camping out in the steets to go ahead and peg us! We get beemed with confetti! We are stuck and waiting and drunk lady jumps out and decorates out car with ribbon. When we move we've got streemers. It's cook and Zach feels like the Rose King. He is the King! Now I have him watching Dick Clarks Rocking New Years Eve. I am hopping he's in the mood to get up and go see George Lucus and 200 storm troopers march in the parade.

This has to be a good omen for me. Mr. Star wars is our grand pubha!

15 Seconds of Fame!

You Tube Set UP

Free Video Formating

How I made my You Tube Videos.
I used my camera and pressed video.
I played a joke on my awesome sister and pain in the arse brother in law be..

I impoted one video into I photo.
The first time, it did NOT auto format into MPG.
I imported it into Final Cut and then back out. ( one try it turned into IDVD format)
Next time Iphoto just made the video into MPG.

Once it's in MPG format you go to your You Tube account which is your own Channel! Cool.
My Channel
I don't advise calling your sister a narcissist, even if it's part of a joke that actually means that you are the real narcissist!

You go to your channel and find the button that says upload. Then you wait patiently!
I mean it can take time and if your not in MPG or you are over the time limit. I think it's ten mins.
You'll wait forever and then get an error message. Like I did. I would rather learn by trial and error.

It keeps me humble and reading the directions when you're A D D and dislexic sucks.
NOT HELPFUL AT ALL! I know it worked like a fluke or something....... But I did it twice.
Ok ok on my next couple of tries, I will completely understand the process.

But don't wait for me! I guess 2006 is the Year of YOU! YOU don't have much time left!
Go leave a New Years Video log for day one of 2007!

My sister is getting a lot of views and two whole people have subscribed to my channel. Now I have to make some more videos for my public. My people........ok, I think it was a mistake when they joined but hell, I'll take it, you have to start somewhere.

When I trip over myself and learn how to transfer my digital video to You Tube, I will put up my promo for my documentary on Pain Disorder in Autism. Hey it can't be any worse than what's showing in the top 50 right now. Uhhh anyone in the mood for a game of Hang Man?? No, I haven't watched any of them.....Did you?

Friday, December 29, 2006

Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Gerald Ford is Dead. I remember being told to run home and turn on the TV by the summer school teacher. I didn't need to go to summer school. I VOLUNTEERED to go. Why didn't someone tell me that I set myself up to be trashed by all of the either naughty or stupid kids? My sister was one of them. I thought if she had to go to summer school, I might as well go with her.

When the teacher said, go home and watch history in the making, go home and watch the president resign. I am sure, I am the only one of her students who actually did go home and watch President Nixon quit. Quit! I was afraid for our country. I didn't know a president could quit. In my panic of a pilotless country, I was introduced to Gerald Ford. What a relief!!! OK so there was a next in line. It was the firt time I cared at all about politics. Oh besides the message from the president in the Weekly Reader. I really believed in the Weekly Reader. Nothing in it prepared me for the slightest possibility that a president might be a liar and a cheater and be found out and forced to quit.

So, one bad one and he was busted and left. From now on we'd have only good honest men as presidents. Gerald Ford must be a good man if he was next in line. Oh to be that niave again. It seemed alright for a moment. Then came the pardon. At the time I thought if it wasn't so bad then why did he have to quit? I guess it was so bad. I guess Gerald Ford must be really really nice. I thought Gerald Ford had a kind of loyality that made him look bad to the very people who were demanding the president do the right thing.

It was confusing to me. But maybe Gerald Ford knew that it might not be good for America to have a president in prison. I had to believe that Gerald Ford knew things, top secret things, that helped him choose to pardon Nixon. I listened to him and found it to hard, sad, and noble. It was clear even to a little girl that he could have opted to make himself a superstar. He didn't do that. I myself was in the mist of intense peer preasure at summer school. It's brutal to be good sometimes.

The teacher had it right. I am glad now that I am older that I went home that day and turned on the TV and watched history in the making. I felt a horrible feeling in my gut for America when Nixon resigned. I went a long long time without feeling like that. 911 did it to me. How President Bush responded with the war. I wanted all of our good militarty persons after Osama. I still have a deep fear for America and worry so much about our leadership. Now, I worry about the worlds view of us. How we view ourselves, how seperated we are. How political we are and seemingly have to become. Even though Bush admitted to misleading the American public, I know he won't quit no matter what. I can't help it though, I belong to this country, I am American, and I am still waiting for that Gerald Ford kind of feeling.....

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I am tired, just thinking about this Behaviorial plan makes it worse. I just need to re-evaluate the plan. I also want to capture all the behaviors on film. I have most of them. The mitochondrial stuff, isn't reflected in this plan. Not enough to be efficent. I am still learning. I know that the Holidays have taken a toll on him. Me too. I watched lame tv and well it helped a bit. I want the next year to be more fun for Zach but I don't want to over do it. I can barely post on time so I decided to find something I wrote already. Ironically, I ran across the very thing that is running me down. I am worried about Zach. Just that nagging worry that is underlying and dragging you down. I made it through Christmas. now New Years, and then it's his Birthday. It's a time of change and usually a big growth spurt for him. What will this New year be like for us? I need to think this through. I need to do it without getting stuck in a loop. I mean I can't look for answers. I need to try new things. I need to be ready for these things to NOT work and then just try something different. What to do about Zach? I just need to remember that he's got his own soul and this is his life's karma. It's our life but it's something we just live and take the journey together. It's tricky to make change. I can't force things as much as I want to CONTROL the situation, force never works.
I have the old plan listed at the bottom. You know the sorry truth is that I need a Jippy Plan too.



Pain Management Plan

-Determine if behavior is a pain response or not
-Give medication according to prescription

Behavioral warning signs with possibility to redirect or may progress into need for medication

- Facial grimaces
- Hand twisting
-Slightly jumping up and down
-Body twitching
-Increased hand persevering
-Standing and sitting repetitively and quickly
-Agitation noises
-Vomiting or refusal to eat

Determining Pain Behavior

- Redirect and watch for signs to return with in 20 min or less.

- Asking, Do you need medicine?

Behavioral warning signs for immediate medication

-Rolling tongue behind teeth
-Biting hands
-Hitting head
-Verbal complaints

Comforting and Calming

-Give cold cloth to bite on

-Give medication

-Encourage him to drink water

-Place him in bean bag chair and try to have a calm quiet environment until medication takes affect.-

-if he is lethargic and unmotivated. He needs juice and candy immediately.
- give him a nap. Let him rest.
-make sure he gets some activity daily.


-resume day
-arrange for him to go to hospital.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Long Awkward Pose, Kathryn loses the moment and then attacks me! It's Christmas so the lights are worth it though.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

I stumbled on this, clicking through a comment on, The Show Must Go ON,Ape saidGo to Long Awkward Pose. A writer from Mad TV plays pranks pretending to take a picture, she video tapes them as they wait for her to take the shot. You have to go see her father! scroll down for dad What you do, tell them ( in this case Jose) that you are taking their picture. Hit video on the camera and capture the long askward pose! Keep it up, until they figure it out or you tell them. This is my soon to be brother in law. He's a French man and he loves to give me a hard time. Pay Back baby! This is so funny. He's a jolly fellow. It's Christmas so the lights are low but it's still worth it. So check out my bro Jose...... I did it to my sister and nephew and will post them on my U Tube ChannelJippyJabber Channel as soon as I figure it all out. These videos are dark but worth it.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

The Bad Santa showed up. He came from "Where the Getto Meets the Sea" His Mustgang GT was smoking when he arrived.
He got to South Pas in 14 mins from Pedro doing 15o..... Nice....and dangerous. Yet what was he listening too?? I swear it's classical. I used to go pick him up and turn on classical music and hit the tunnels. I mean you'll have to experience this come up the 110 and head towards Pasadena. You need to do it in a 5.0 with a motified intake.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Seriously, go try out the Santa Tracker.

Follow Santa

This is so much fun! Zach has been watching Christmas around the world. Well, Japan and Guam.......Russia too. If you already have Google Earth this should be easy to add the Santa Tracker.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Please be good to Zach, Santa, he's been really really good. Super Zach He's my reason for living and he's worked hard to get himself out of a wheelchair and walking again. I am so proud. I am wrapping and making bows. Doing laundry and sending my nephew out on errand after errand. I can hear Zach sing, He's coming to town. He tells me, Mommy, It's Christmas. My little guy really is the reason for the season. I asked him, DO you believe Zach? I do belive. I do. SWEET!
How can Santa resist my Super Man?


Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Got himself out of the wheelchair and walking again. Come on Santa, he's been really, really , really good!


Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Wrong Holiday! Yeah, I am on a slow learning curve... Look at my Super Man! He's in his "super suit"


Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

How can Santa resist this little guy?

Friday, December 22, 2006

Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

I am happy to present my latest painting. Next, I am will be doing some cool line drawings over some of my paintings. This isn't really the finished project, it's improved a little since this photo. AHH don't bust my chops over the lighting on this ...... I know it's x'd. I think I will put this in a shiny black frame. I really want this to rock on the wall of some money man. I call it Money Mojo.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Today, I got my DNA bonus. I have to borrow the phrase from my sister. Our DNA bonus is a check we get for the holidays from our dear old dad. My DNA is superior to my sisters as my check was higher. Just kidding! Maybe because I am older. More beautiful? Daddy's favorite?
I passed on my bonus to my brother in law who is taking care of my nieces and nephews while my sister just had her gallbladder removed. She's been out of work for a while trying to find out what was wrong with her body. I hope it was the gallbladder and then she'll be feeling better by Christmas. I know that there was no shopping done in Florida this year. So I managed to send actual wrapped presents to the little ones. It wasn't perfect. I had to get my niece to intercept the package and finish the names and bows and things like that. It's all there now under the tree.
I feel like I am forgetting something. I hope it's not a person. Maybe it was forgetting to blog today. I am just under the gun here. I am blogging from my sisters and should be drinking wine with her because the kids, including mine are sleeping. SO bye for now.... : ) By the way, I we are a bit sarcastic towards each other for entertainment. I wrote this knowing the little biotch will read it....... : ) DNA Daddy thinks very highly of you, in fact respects you.
I think I pulled it all off. I could upgrade the gift for my mom. IF anyone has a great mom gift idea, please let me know.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Saved by the pie. I took Zach out for breakfast. Trying to get someone with autism out of the house when they don't want to go is a challenge. Becasue of his mitochondrial disorder, I ordered pumkin pie. He took forever to eat it. He actually peels off the top layer, avoids the crust and cuts his bites into even square pieces and makes sure they are perfectly placed on his fork. That used to be my job. I helped him a little, I was enjoying my coffee, when I heard this little sweet voice say...... This is milk, I don't drink milk. I looked around to see who said that. It was Zach! He had a kids cup so I couldn't see what was in there. He reached over and took my water and drank it. I was so impressed that he told me what was wrong and fixed the situation. AHHHH what a great relief to see him so calm and communicating. I hoped the pie would stimilate his appetite for the rest of the day. I am still not used to the high carb diet for him and it feels wrong but works. The pie keeps us out of the ER but he hasn't bounced back yet. I think we'll make it. Really, the IV is so helpful it's not the end of the world if we have to go get it. The last time we went in, they had it ready and waiting for us. We were back home in under six hours. We used to show up and go through hell to convice them to give it to him. I'd have Dr. Joseph ( pain doc) call in and explain that it works and they'd do it out of respect for him. Now, we belong to the Genetics Clinic and they roll out the red carpet for us. It's awesome! In the begining, I was reluctant to have a lable put on Zach and avoided medication. Now, I think more lables, more help. I guess it would be differnet if he could attend public school. We have tired. ...... My brother died when he was 15. He never was as strong as Zach. If Zach is going to have a short life then why not pie for breakfast?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Zach didn't get out of bed today. The nanny didn't show up. I missed an appointment and I didn't get my package to the post office.

It dosen't matter at all. I have that feeling. Not the holiday feeling. I feel like writting. Rather WORKING ON MY STORY. : ) I had a set back and it was hard hitting. I blocked out all thoughts about my story and just let it go. I thought that I would figure it out after the emotions calm down. I guess something good is coming. I feel it rising inside me. I love this feeling. I just need to show up and let it all happen. This story is intense because I let some of my past into the story. I usually expend energy keeping my past out. I guess I was too tired to keep it out and wow it really gave some texture to the characters.

When I saw the doctors last week. Dr. Gold suggested that I make my 3min promo in PSA form. A PSA about autism and pain.
I was against giving Zach medication. I avoided giving him medication for years. It was the sound of pain that got to me. I mean I didn't need to give him medication to put him in a chemical restraint. I was willing to deal with him as he was. As I figured out that he was in pain. I couldn't just let him suffer such excruciating pain. He was hurting him self from it. I will do a PSA and then a full documentary. I want the needless suffering to stop.

I wanted to write this blog about my new view on my story and how I am committed to finishing it no matter what. No matter what Mel Gibson did with his movie.The real truth is that I might be in the hosp. with zach soon and even if I feel like working my story I might not be able too. hmmmmm I am worried about Zach.

I think what I have for Christmas is what I have. I just surrender to this. I will be there for Zach and see what is happening with him. It could be that I am not giving gifts this year. I got the kids covered and a few things I ordered online. It's too late for anything else.

I had a plan I followed it as much as I could and then it was beyond the limits of one person.
Zach is either going to turn around and be ok or he will be in the ER for IV's and then hopefully come home.
What happens to Zach is that his cells loose energy. Mitochondrial disorder.......
I could give him gummy lifesavers ( LOL ) and sprite laced with emergenC. He gets better, I pull off some last min. shopping and reschedule my appointment.

I am worried about Zach, I feel like I failed Christmas, Yet I have a sense that it's going to be OK...... I feel like it will all work out. Sometimes my optimism is just stone cold crazy. I love it!

Monday, December 18, 2006

You Are 25% Left Brained, 75% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.

Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.

If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.

Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.

Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.

If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.

Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences

I love Howard Gardner's books. His ideas on different types of intelligences. I read it to come to terms with my son's messed up beautiful mind but then I find a home of my own there too. I might be stupid but not in every way....... blah!

Get a brain sex profile from the BBC Secrets of the Sexes and find out if you think like a man or a woman

A couple of my scores......from brain sex.
I am a shemale......
I am also perfect for being Zach's's cool to be validated.
This test takes a long time and my battery on my lap top was low and I had to run to the other room and get plugged in. Some of the tests are timed.


Your empathy score is: 16 out of 20
Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20

What does your result suggest?

Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising.

This task tested your ability to mentally rotate 3D shapes.

Your score: 8 out of 12
Average score for men: 8.2 out of 12
Average score for women: 7.1 out of 12

Sunday, December 17, 2006

2007 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible
Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

2007 Victory Red Corvette Convertible

Dear Santa,
Our one shared dream. Please oh please!
Zach and Mom.
We love to go to the live webcam and look at these gorgeous beauties.

Anyone can win......The National Corvette Museum has begun a raffle fundraiser featuring a Victory Red C6 Corvette Convertible. The winner will be drawn as part of the Saturday evening festivities at the C5/C6 Birthday Bash – April 28 . Tickets are available at $10 each with an unlimited number of tick
or if you want to build one.......
The exciting new Z06 Corvette is the feature of a new raffle underway at the National Corvette Museum . The raffle winner will have the opportunity to “ Build Your Own ” Z06 Corvette and choose from current factory colors and options. The unique raffle is limited to only 500 tickets to be sold available at $500 each . The drawing will take place on Wednesday, April 4, 2007 at 2:00 p.m

One day my mom packed up five kids in the back of her station wagon and took off to the family farms in upstate New York. How disgusting I felt when I drank a can of warm strawberry soda. I mean I can't stand the idea of imitation strawberry. If I don't pick it up and dip in chocolate myself I don't want it.
It was bad enough hurling pink puke all along America's highways. We got a flat tire on a bridge. I was scared and I fixated on the big fat sturdy tires so safe and sturdy. They were moving and I was wishing we had those fat tires on our car. That's how it started.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

So I am a day late but it's still cool and I hope I can play it like a game of tag instead. Blog Crush Chicks My blog crush has an awesome thriller coming out soon. He's got something for all writers, story tellers, dreamers.......

I read him all the time. He answers my email with good advice. He commented positively on my painting. He hasn't kicked me off his blog. He's smart, cute and if you listen to his audio blog, you'll find that he even sounds good. He is kind so don't be afraid Go check him out!

My Blog Crush

PS. I have to make her blog so I can comment on it. I comment on it even when she hasn't posted 4 EVER! But out of loyalty to my BFF I also crush on .........
My lolo love

Friday, December 15, 2006

Michel Gondry Solves a Rubiks Cube with his Feet

I need to drink with this man!


Hospital day today. I have had quite a break from it. I think it's been a couple of weeks! I'm actually looking forward to seeing the doctors today. They'll have lots to say about my documentary. I am trying to find the most beneficial point of view for the project. I want it to be educational for medical professionals and helpful to other kids suffering. I feel bad for kids suffering out there, not knowing that they can have help. Even to this day I hear that kids with autism don't feel pain. Zach's pain isn't necessarily related to autism.

We would be dead if it weren't for the pain team. If by any chance you are want of a good place to donate this holiday season. Go to my side bar and click on pain pain go away. It will take you to the Magic clinic. Making aches go away in children.

Zach has done really well except the freak out at the book store. OK that's not true. He's coming off as doing really well because he isn't doing too much.

He's mad at his cat right now and it's funny! He is also mad at the alarm clock. I find it cute and I hate myself for it. I dated this man boy once and he loved it when I was pissed. Apparently I am cute when I mad.......

Thursday, December 14, 2006

One of the men, in the group that owns my building, asked me, to show him my tits. Yesterday, I went in to his restaurant make sure he knew I was not moving and to make sure I wasn't charged a late fee. I did tell him that I do need to move eventually because of Zachary's leg hurting and the occasional use of a wheel chair. Oh that's too sad for the little guy. Why don't you step in here for a moment. It felt really dirty and I laughed at him. He was really excited like he was going to get a peak. He gently guided me towards the vegie refridgerators in the back spouting out compliments that don't apply to me. I fixated on the big refridgerator doors and a mini snuff movie played in my head. I really had a hard time breathing for a minute.
I just felt like I had been in some time warp or something. Wait am I 19 again? I am not one of your waitresses. I have seen him slide his hand across the ass of a waitress and she didn't respond in any way. I guess it's job security of another kind. I know it happens when 99 percent of your being is against what is going on and you just wind up curious as hell about that 1 percent. It's a piece of you that you are rarely aware of so how can you fix it when it's so quiet most of the time. A lurking devil inside that awakens in the mist of other devils.

When I was in the sixth grade all the boys. I mean all the boys from all three six grade classes signed their name on a statue commending my bra. Yeah, Congratulation to your bra it's held up well. I know some of the boys signed some of the other boys names just so everyone was equally represented. Also the statue was for a secretary and they had to scratch part of it off to make it read just right. How proud and happy they were to present this to me. I was absolutely devastated. I wanted to go home immediately and I did. I ran home sort of crying, sort of in shock and then there was some sort of daze I could not understand. One by one the face of boy after boy looking at my tits flashed before my eyes and I don't remember how I got home.

My mom was proud of it and wanted to place it on the bookshelf. I just didn't have her sense of humor. Three times I threw it out and she dug it out of the trash and replaced it back onto the bookshelf. I finally freaked out.
In her irritation of my displeasure she decided to drag me into the principles office and demand an apology from all of the boys who signed the statue. What the............???

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Am I a LOOOOSER or a LOSER? I don't know but it's so funny to me that for today I have no desire to die. Ironically, I feel so completely understood.

Another try.

Dear Oprah and Gayle,

I need a spa vacation. I haven't eaten a fresh vegetable in a year. Everything smells like smog to me. Everytime I go to look out my window, I can only see stress fractures caused by two bullets. I am so tired of the sound of helicopters. I can't quiet my thoughts or finish them. I am stuck in a world where I no longer know the difference between a friend or foe.


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Dear Oprah and Gayle,
Take two. I posted this late I am stone cold cheating again. I just got home and it's after midnight but it's till today to me.......If you want my excuse for being late just keep reading!

Dear Oprah and Gayle,
I need a retreat, because of nights like tonight. My son is freaking out wrecking his wheel chair in the bookstore. I need water to give him his breakthrough pain medication. He begins pounching himself in the face and head to release natural endorphines to ease his pain. I am standing close to him to create some privacy while smiling as kindly as I can at the child afraid to pass by us. Trying to let him know that I am not paniced so he shouldn't either. Just then my son begins to bite his hand and makes the most painful sounding noise a human can make. I pull my arm up into my sleeve and give him part of my jacket to bite on. He won't be able to tolerate a mad dash for the exit. But I do have the urge to retreat. Oprah, I really do.

I Like the little retreat thing at the end but I still have too many words. I might try some poetry next. Is this going to be a whining contest? Boo hoo for me no boo hoo hoo for me? LOL I am just kidding. Tomorrow I might try something about recovering my soul or the god of my youth. I mean I can't just go retreat and wind up never wanting to come home or just go there and sit on a rock and curse god.

Sorry for the late blog and cheating but damn read my tag line.......Looser Cast In Role of Saint. : )

Monday, December 11, 2006

Why I should win the O Magazine Spa retreat with Oprah and Gayle.

I have had one of those lives, where people have told me often along the way to call the Oprah Winfrey show. I've always replied, "I can't I don't open my mail and she hates that." I remember one time when I she was doing a show on abuse and my stepfather was in the room. This was a feeling of empowerment that I had never felt before. I am a fan of Oprah. I have tortured my nephew and my child with Oprah for years. My nephew used to get really fussy in the afternoon and want around chanting something indistinguisable. Eventually, we decifered it. "I don't wanna watch Opree Wincee" LOL ten years later I went through the same situation with my son. This time I have Tivo. Although I am so ingrained that Oprah is on at 3pm or late night that when I first watched her on TIVO my whole body clock freaked out worse than switching from daylight savings time.
I deserve a spa vacation because I need to recover my soul. I am walking through life as numb as anyone can be. I do the right thing for my son and that's it. I am so full of repressed anguish from watching my son suffer that I really feel I'll never know joy again.

This is my first attempt at the contest entry.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I watched the movies reviews and Mel Gibson's movie Apocalypto is the same story as the first part of my movie, Jaguar Knights. This blows hardcore. This is what happens when trying to channel in a story. It's open to anyone who reaches into the primordial mix. I am not sure if I can cut out the begining of my story and still have something to work with. I had too much riding on meeting a deadline with this story. My friend, a producer called and said, I am screwed with this. I don't know if I have what it takes to try to save this on time. The part I have to throw out is the part that I gave my all too. I was Meticulous in structure, format, spelling, grammer and plot. I am a sloppy blogger. I used to be happy with a B plus or A minus because I never had to study. I just answers pop into my head or pictured the book or blackboard from class. Now I don't own any knoweldge and I don't know my limits. I don't know my limitations and I was too afraid to find out. Here I am needing to know what I can expect from myself.

I am the only answer to raising Zach and I out of this situation. It has to come organically from me. I don't have much of a say as to when. I surrender to time. The more I push the harder things get.

I am not going to listen to anyone tell me what I need. I can see how that hate my situation and they want it to go away. We won't go away. We are just here together and I am keeping that sacred.

I know what I have to do. I have to stop being an asshole blogger and care about all of my words. I have to hold on to my own standards. I start over from down here, a much lower place than I was last week but much higher than before the medication.

If I had to quess, I'd say I'll try again. It's inhumane and ridiculous but It's what I believe I can do from here.

At least it's Mel Gibson's fault and not Zachary's.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

I am cheating. I wanted to post on the conscious channeling and raw writing. I was hoping to explain how I try to shut off my thoughts of grammar and spelling, all thoughts of my reality. I just think writing from the gut is the best was to get to the heart of a prickly bad guy. I have this horrible doctor in my script and I'm learning how he comes off as human and nice and yet he is the most dangerous man. He's dangerous because he has power over vulnerable people. I am not sure if writing a bad guy is a good idea during the holidays.

Also I posted an abstract post following some negative feelings I was having. I didn't say the real event that took place.
My brother in law told his son that it's a milder Christmas because I was moving. He told my sister that he said this to his son right in front of me. I shared with my sister that I wasn't sure how much money it was going to take to for first, last, deposit and moving costs, plus applicances. I didn't ask them for money. However, I might have if it came down to it. I don't think I would ask for so much as to change the face of Christmas. I would not want to do that. I need to have some dignity and I don't want help from anyone that would deny that to me. What I did ask for was help getting the bicycle from the bike shop to their house so Zachary doesn't see me do it. So far no takers on that one. I also asked my brother in law to take us to a putting range one day so zach could hit some golf balls with his uncle. I mean he coached a little league team in their town and not one person on the team was related to him. So I figured what the hell, why not ask if he'll spend an afternoon with Zach hitting some golf balls. He's got some pretty good golf stories so I am sure he's not going to be tortured at the putting range.
The thing about this is I think I'd ask this of him even if my son was normal. ON the other hand maybe if my son was normal it would be easier for him to take Zach. However, one can only compare a little league team to one boy and wonder what is the big deal? I run across this all the time and I don't know how to reconcile it all. I could be quiet and not ask for anything. I could push to include Zach in things. I could forget my idea of dignity. I could just settle down into my smal life and hope I live a long long time. I just don't want to sound insane on my own blog because I say what the real deal is.......

The last thing is that my financial life is held agaisnt Zach qualifying for disability medical insurance. He has to go a year with out self injurious behaviors to get private insurance. I have to live like this until he is 18 or unless I really make big money. I am willing to live this way to keep Zach with me. It's hard and I fight for dignity through poverty as well.

Friday, December 08, 2006

List of things to do before Christmas. Weed out all of the clothes in Zach's closet that are boys size and see what he is left with. He's mens small now and it's a whole new world. He won't like it too much but clothes are on his list.
I plan to get books for most of family. I am looking for a really cool gift. One that is well thought out not too pricey and ultra cool. What is that, this year? I am not in the know. I am not a fantastic cook but sometimes I show up with a little twist on a standard. Like Pumkin pie spice or ginger in the oatmeal rasin cookies. I have no tricks this year. I feel like showing up happy and with proof. So much for my list. I am at pre list stage.

Have you ever heard a writer say that they need to write? The last couple of posts really proof how sick I get when I am not grounded in my routine of writing and painting. It's just my truth, I need to write and if I don't I have to at least be living my story in my mind. I am really right back into my story. I woke up so happy today and I was so productive. Even my nanny was motivated! She worked so hard and I really felt like I had help today. So I treated her to her favorite Noodles from Panda Inn and we got the new Pirate movie. I don't know who is hotter Jonny Depp Or Orlando Bloom. It was nice to hang out and be relaxed.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I got caught up in it. I didn't hold down the fort or stay the course. At first it was finding the perfect man. You can't tell me he's not perfect because he is. I am not perfect yet so he'll have to wait. Then I was interested in making money, just a little job to make some cash. What was next? Contests? I joined a couple of them. Oh yeah, Mr. not so perfect had me take time out to be suspicious and then angry. Don't forget the doctor drama which was not real at all. Doctors Joseph and Gold are still my hereos and I am still, umm me. Then it was the nanny not showing up and me not running things right. I pondered the irony of my BFF getting the man to move in and then he's suddenly a grouch. I didn't realize getting the dog first is the same as putting the cart before the horse. I forgot how much I love the fact that I can barely remember my landlords phone nummber after living here for almost ten years. That I know they call me their Princess of Pasadena and I cherish it. That on many New Years Day we mute the TV turn on the Rose Parade and open the windows, then run outside in time to catch the stealth bomber. I forgot that on New Years I have to be on my final draft of my script in order to not want to Jump off of suicide bridge drunk off Irish whickey with slashed wrists. I forgot that things I don't truly want siphon energy away from what I truly do want. Nothing worked out and I am glad to be back on my path before I have missed my deadline. I am so pleased because I broke my cycle of staying unconscious thinking someone else is stearing my ship not knowing until I crash that it's actually an unmand flight. That actually my body and my life were over here where I left off. I am getting good at coming back. : )

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Life with a melted heart. How can I receive? I am a giver, a provider, a keeper of secrets, a hider of flaws, a seeker of invisability. I actually lust after my lost self, the perfectionist, the insomniac, the neurotic. How untterly capable and productive she was. Now, I am the humble and striving person. Don't worry about it, don't worry THEY say. It will work out. we'll make it work. Just let us know what you need. I say OK but that is just to shut them up. I smile a very obiedient smile too. I find out in a couple of days if I get the house. I've had offers of help. generous offers of help. I'm edgy and happy at the same time. I feel great that they care about me and Zachary. Something is stirring up my gut. How do you look someone in the eye and say Thank you and not feel smaller? This might be a case of Jippy's pride. I hate this! I think I am righteous and good. It turns out that I am prideful and maybe bitter about my situation. What was that crap about my perfectionist self being gone? She's not gone she's just pissed and stifled. I don't want to need anything or anyone. What is worse than need? I can live with out things I need. I don't want to be dependent. All that turmoil to find out, that what I want is to be independent. Could there be more to this? It's because I have someone depending on me. Asking on the behalf of my son. It's crazy weird. How can this bother me so much? I don't want to feel like a failure even if it's true or especially if it's not true. I tend to keep my dreams and lists of wants limited to what I think, what I know I can do. No wonder my life can be so freaking small! Even getting this house for us is making my world grow. It feels like it's right in front of me but I have to let it be mine. I have to want at least that much for Zach and I. I am asking for help, for a bigger world, one not limited to my own capabilites and it's driving me nuts. Perhaps that is why everyone is telling me not to worry...........urrrrrg.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Blog Blessed.
I am not sure how it works, but I have been blogged blessed. I told the ugly truth and admitted at least here in blog world, how hard it is for me. Just because I admit it doesn't mean I want to quit. I just needed to exhale. Maybe admitting that a power greater than myself must be keeping us together allowed me to let it in more. Maybe my Grandmother and my brother who are on the other side ( they are dead) are learning some metaphysical tricks and hooking Jippy up! I don't know but help has arrived. I've been wanting to get Zach a campnion dog for years. I was on a waiting list for two years and then got told that they closed the list. If I got the dog, it would mean I have to move. I have been looking for a two bedroom place that would allow a dog and be near the hospital and good schools. My sister found the dog and my parents found the trainer. There is really no such thing as saying no to my sister. Zach is sick and he really wants a red bicycle and a white dog named Bruno. If you have seen Tripplets of Belville, you'll understand. He relates to a non-verbal boy in the story. It's so sweet he closes his eyes during the booby dance in the begining, even when I am not in the room. My sister wants to give zach/ all of us that awesome Christmas moment. My mom has the red race bike covered. Along with a trainer to place the bike on, because zach can't pedal and steer at the same time yet. Zach will get his dog Bruno for Christmas and then he'll go back for more training but we'll spend some weekends together, Mom,boy and Dog. He'll come to live with us when he is fully trained. No way, could I get a dog and a one legged child up a flight of messed up wobbly stairs. So I went on line and starting searching for a place. A place I have looked for before and it didn't exist in the past. In one search, I found a place that is perfect for us. It's a few blocks away from Zach's ex- step mother. What the hell? Yes, ex-step mother, who was once my arch enemy during a nasty divorce. She was thrown into a world that got her kicked and bit and trampled on. She took the worst from zach before we had any medication. Because of her commitment, Zach and I both love her. It was actually hard to hate her because she was one of the best people in the world to go have coffe with. It's a weird world. Stranger still is that her husband tolerates her ex step child coming over and monopolizing the big screen TV! Zach will spend the day there just watching the same movie over and over again. I am happy to be their neighbor and it's a pretty good laugh thinking of James gettng the big news. This place is also close to BFF's work. Elona can stop over for lunch or before she goes home. I'll never stress out about running out of apple juice or toilet paper. It just isn't going to happen to me anymore. Hot damn! I want to cry and sing something loud and religous. I feel like this place is mine. I just hope there isn't anyone else feeling the same way. It's a competive thing to try and get an appartment and this is a little house. I claim it, it's mine. Thank you blog people, I admitted to you that I needed help and just sat with it and wow it arrived overnight. I actually feel like packing.. LOL : )

Monday, December 04, 2006

It won't have a happy New Year if I don't accomplish my ONE goal. Face it, I'll be happy with progress on my one goal. You must know it's my script. The script that I ripped out my heart and stole my wounds and mapped the breaks and traced them onto my charaters heart. I am still hurting from this proceedure and I am not sure If I am ready to offer myself up to that again. I jut can't seem to do it. Yes, yes, I know I have an excuse. I have a reason to a big fat failure. No matter that my goal is hard even with out constant distraction. I can practically hear the thoughts of the people around me. They are so sure of my potential. So sure that my son has taken my life. What they think would have been my life. If I had the potential to climb the mountain I am not sure that I would.
I swear to you it's not Zach's fault. It really is all my fault. If I was all alone with nothing to do but face my own struggles it would be the battle for my soul. It comes naturally to me to be of service. I am fine being a team player or cheerleader. However, it's not natural for me to be kicked and bitten in the flurry of one of Zach's attacks. No, I have an ego, it's the size of the universe and yet it's a just a space to me. It has become my shadow. The day I realized that my self esteem was the smallest small thing that there is. I knew I had to start to build a bridge. A bridge between the meek and the self esteem and my ego. A bridge that would take me to the fuition of my potential. I was exhausted by the mere thought of it . I was in group therapy, trying to learn how to be my highest self. Then one day I realized that I'd be all alone if I was congruent and healthy. I saw that nobody would play along in the confident and assertive world. To bring down family dysfunction in American would be catastraphic. If life is an illusion then I'll pick my favorite one and stick to that. All that insight and I am still a fucking mess. Oh yes, I told you, it' s me the mess. I have someone to blame it on but that's just lucky for me.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

There I was trashed by life. It was Just beating the shit out of me. I was needy and willing to live with it. It's hard to play Santa when you have your child attched to your hip. I am forcing him to walk and leaving his wheel chair in the car in case of emergency. Push push push forward. Then I get a phone call and find out that the past is in the past and all is well with us. Us? A close friend who I had failed. I am trying to maintain some friendships. Because I need their light even if I can't give them much of mine. It was enough of a good thing to get me on too my next stop. Of course Zach is falling asleep and I need to get home before I have to try and carry him up a flight of stairs. I roll up into the driveway at the same time as Mr. Perfection. He's had a hard time with Mrs. Perfection this last year but sitll, I am not in the mood..... not able to go any lower .....not able to be intentionally made painfully aware of how I am not really pulling it off. And then the Christmas miracle. He was nice to me. He was nice to Zach and he was nice to both of us. I really appriciated it. I needed it. I won't be learking in the back ground this season. Suddenly it's too hard to sit this one out. I might just come out and really enjoy the making of cookies and the drinking of cocoa.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

He won't come out of his room. He won't leave, Just stay home. I feel like a life gaurd. I am here watching him exist. How can he love life so much? How can he have such a will to live when his life is pain. Any normal bodily function sends pain signals to his brain. Is it real pain? It is excruciating, he bites his arm and squeals, tortured so fu*kkin tortured. I run to get him a cold cloth to chop on. I run for pain medication, breakthrough medication. I pry open his jaws drop in the pills just as he clamps his jaws down again. Damn it hurts when I move to slow. I pour water through his teeth and I know by now the odds of him choking or being able to swallow. I want to shut my ears off. I know he's going to get relief but I hear pain until my brain starts to reel. Just a tightening of every nerve in my body from head to toe. And I am small, I am only the pain center in my brain. I am blind and I feel a tapping, a you hoo..... a bid for my attention trying to remind me it's not really happening to me. I try not to hear this. I try not to accept love and comfort for my own sympathetic suffering. Because I know, I know if I turned to face this divine force that I could shred it apart, the bite of my anger and rage. How can such a gigantic rage be so hidden. It's not hidden it's riding on my hips, it's my fat ass, my effort to breathe, my silence, my big fucking silence, right in front of everyone. Stop his pain! I can't watch him tear himself apart, I can't hear that sound. The sound of raw nerves over charged twisting and shriveling dieing, misfiring. If I were to talk to god I might be doing the devils work.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Looser Gets Cast In Role Of Saint.

Hello Holidailies!

My name is Jennifer but to know me is to call me Jippy. I look forward to counting down to the New Year with new friends.
I have been lucky to scrape by making a living doing various creative projects. I mostly enjoy wrting scripts and focus on dialogue. I have a son with special needs. His name is Zach. He's 12 and it's been years just trying to find out what is wrong with him. I am completely overwhelmed and under prepared for this. I am a single mom and still not sleeping through the night. I started filming Zach to show the doctors what was happening to him. I kept on filming and now I am learning to edit the footage to produce a documentary that I hope will help other children that suffer. Help other mom's that are hopeless and facing futility.

It's a spiritual crisis. I have never needed a divine force in my life more. I also can't seperate myself from the pain my son is in.
Zach has a pain amplification syndrom, Maternal ( of course it's my fault) Mytochondrial disorder, cyclic vomiting syndrom, and Autism.

So that's me trying to be offical with the intro. Just call me Jippy and make yourself at home. Please leave a comment and I'll go check out your site. I am new to the blog world and it's been great fighting evil isolation and lonlieness with new friendships. I purge my darkest fears here and laugh my ass off. I also paint beautiful pictures of delusional visions of things just working out. Just like all survival techniques they've now become problems in and of themselves. I have a special look that I give Zach's doctors when I need them to pace the truth to me. For a writer I rely on the nonverbal means of communication a hell of a lot. Sometimes, I just belive what I have to, to get through it all.

The situation requires more than what I have and more than what I am. Yet, I am deeply in love with my son and damn it, we are still here. How can it be? How can it be twelve years of this now...... So looking back there is a miracle, it's abstract and hiding inbetween day to day and moment to moment. It has me on my knees and begging.