My New Earth work is actually on It's a text messaging book club. In case you came here from the Oprah website and were wondering where it all is. I'll bring my New Earth Work over here because, I guess this is where it's meant to be. Welcome to Jippyjabber! PS I am auntjippy on the Oprah message boards.

Monday, March 12, 2007

I live in the f*cking now.

Finally, I can breathe. I thought I would never breathe until Zachary was better. Then I thought Fuck I am dying here. I am no good for either of us this way. You know Turning blue with no fear of dying. Surprised when I was still waking up everyday. Oh I wasn't sleeping much either but what I meant was that I was still here. I did not want to be here with his pain. I still can't take it when it just won't go away. He suffers and suffers and suffers. I just breathe through it. I am ok with pain and suffering when I can still laugh on those days. That's the day I claim to have balance. I think to myself, I won, I can laugh on days of torture and confusion. But there are days, when no one could laugh and it's a bloody mess, I am so scared and I think the world is just cruel. His body is a prison and he tears it apart to get out. I can feel his pain running through my own nerves. I don't want to feel anything at all. It's hard to breathe on those days. I would run away in my mind. That won't do for the long haul. I can visualize to almost tangible details. It creates resentments when you return to reality. It gives an illusion of a choice you don't really have. It's ok for moments but it won't get you through it all. I had to learn to stay. Just like a good dog, a loyal servant. I just stayed, and learned this is no time to fight . I am not a warrior here, I have no weapons. I must stay with compassion in mind. I had a judgemental mind. It was my biggest challenge to redifine compassion. I thought I was such a good person and little did I know what truths I would learn. Now, I have seen my ego stand down. In a new way, I have been so good for so long and Zachary has never been bad. Promises, promises. Do you think I am motivated to do this because I believe will be rewarded one day? No thanks! There is not a big enough carrot. I just can't imagine a heaven so sweet and wonderful worth his pain. I have begged and pleaded to change the deal if there is one. I believe that being with him is the gift. If you are willing to take the adventure. To walk the gauntlet and learn how to slay a dragon. Learning how he still loves life. I never loved life that much. I am just starting to now. Starting with loving to breathe, a really deep good breath. I think of when I was at the beach and in the woods, I was a child just being. I would have never been able to live with all of this pain. Learning to watch him with respect and awe. Learning how to fail him while still loving him. Seeing his soul, he's a person. Desperate to find, what it took for my love to find it's way from my heart to his. I had to learn to breathe and be present to be stable for him in the midst of caos. I call it walking the plank .....everyday, I breathe and walk out there in blind faith. The most ironic thing of all. I walk in blind faith everyday. Faith in what? My mind dosen't believe in anything anymore but my life experiences something profoundly more powerful than I am. So I am in the now of irony. I believe it's a good place a place where change is allowed.


Amy W said...

What a powerful post. I mean, I knew you were a strong person to be able to watch your son go through pain that you can't do much about, but DAMN. My heart goes out to you. You are much stronger than I ever will be.

Michele_3 said...

Amazing post, I had a few tears just reading it!
I think you are such an incredible mom to Zachary, You are just amazing! He is so blessed to have such a warrior of a mom like you next to him in his battles!
Prayers are for you both always!

Jess said...

Ahh...I breathe with you, I breathe through my daughter's pain of growing up, growing away from me, Zach will probably never do that huh? Degrees of hurt, it tears me up, it tears me up when I see moms with little babies, or their prepubescent daughters and I think, do you know how it is gonna feel to lose this? And I pray for that new bond I know will someday come, and know somehow she needs this to become autonomous...I need to let her hurt, cradle her to hard and I make it worse, prolong it...ah Jennifer. Nuts. You are living in the physical manifestation of all pain we all feel, but all at once, it's like you are a Goddess, a living human metaphor, but I know you are just a girl, just another mom... lover you sister.

Miriam said...

This is true eloquence.