This is a portion of my email I sent to two family members. My mother is one of them. As far as I know she dosn't know about this blog. I have changed the names, except Zacharys. I just can't play this game for the next nine months. I want to feel safe at Christmas and happy.

I said that I hate Jesus at the end of the letter. Actually, The Nine Faces of Christ is one of my favorite books.

I have tried nicer, ways of drawing boundries over the years and I am exhausted from it. It's only March and I could not see myself shutting down for the rest of the year becase of this. So here I am spelling out the hard truth, the bottom line.

I hope I find something wonderful to do at Christmas for Zach.......... You are about to find out why.............

I have no intention of going to Florida or Orange County for Christmas.

I HAVE NO INTENTION OF GOING TO FLORIDA OR ORANGE COUNTY EVER FOR ANY REASON. I HAVE BEEN THERE AND I AM NOT COMING BACK. Stop thinking that I will try to come. I won't try to come.



I am not going to Orange County. The older zachary gets the less patients I have to be around ( your husband) and act like I don't hate what happened to my life because of him. I can't come down there and act like I don't resent my mother for chooseing a man over me and to see how you aren't really living happily ever after, or to see that you are...... I am using all of my patients for my son. If you want to come up here and have a Christmas with Zachary great. I won't be angry with you if you don't. I am not coming to Orange County. I do not want to be there. I do not want Zachary to be lied to. iF anything ever happened to me, Zachary would go to his father. I would never want you to take Zachary. I could never trust you completely with him. Because of you I can barely trust anyone anyways, Stop acting like it would be normal for me to try to come spend a weekend there. It's not normal and it takes to much fucking energy for me to be there killing apart of myself to make everyone believe a that it's all ok. This is what happens when the children of abused children get to be the age that their parents suffered most. I look at zachary and ( his girl cousin of the similar age) and I think how the fuck could she have made the choices she made? Now you have to live with them. I suggest you get some help with that.

I love you and I am sorry if you don't feel that right now. I do really love you. I, like you, have little to operate on here and you can't push me right now. Everyone is tired and has it hard. Most of all it's Zachary who has it the hardest. I am not taking Zachary to see you just to make you feel better. He suffers so much fucking pain. I will pursue things that I think will bring him the most joy if he is ever able to go anywhere.

Christmas is just another reason to hate Jesus. I am not celebrating Christmas. We will have Santa Day. We believe in Santa Day.
I hope this will be the end of any talk about travel and Christmas.

Jennifer