My New Earth work is actually on twiiter.com/BookClubClass It's a text messaging book club. In case you came here from the Oprah website and were wondering where it all is. I'll bring my New Earth Work over here because, I guess this is where it's meant to be. Welcome to Jippyjabber! PS I am auntjippy on the Oprah message boards.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Life with a melted heart. How can I receive? I am a giver, a provider, a keeper of secrets, a hider of flaws, a seeker of invisability. I actually lust after my lost self, the perfectionist, the insomniac, the neurotic. How untterly capable and productive she was. Now, I am the humble and striving person. Don't worry about it, don't worry THEY say. It will work out. we'll make it work. Just let us know what you need. I say OK but that is just to shut them up. I smile a very obiedient smile too. I find out in a couple of days if I get the house. I've had offers of help. generous offers of help. I'm edgy and happy at the same time. I feel great that they care about me and Zachary. Something is stirring up my gut. How do you look someone in the eye and say Thank you and not feel smaller? This might be a case of Jippy's pride. I hate this! I think I am righteous and good. It turns out that I am prideful and maybe bitter about my situation. What was that crap about my perfectionist self being gone? She's not gone she's just pissed and stifled. I don't want to need anything or anyone. What is worse than need? I can live with out things I need. I don't want to be dependent. All that turmoil to find out, that what I want is to be independent. Could there be more to this? It's because I have someone depending on me. Asking on the behalf of my son. It's crazy weird. How can this bother me so much? I don't want to feel like a failure even if it's true or especially if it's not true. I tend to keep my dreams and lists of wants limited to what I think, what I know I can do. No wonder my life can be so freaking small! Even getting this house for us is making my world grow. It feels like it's right in front of me but I have to let it be mine. I have to want at least that much for Zach and I. I am asking for help, for a bigger world, one not limited to my own capabilites and it's driving me nuts. Perhaps that is why everyone is telling me not to worry...........urrrrrg.

1 comment:

cinemagypsy said...

I used to be a nurse and have worked with some special needs children. I've read some of your other posts and am sending some good thoughts your way. I'd like to see your documentary one day.
Oh, and I own the DVD "The Triplets of Belleville."
Loved that movie.