I am cheating. I wanted to post on the conscious channeling and raw writing. I was hoping to explain how I try to shut off my thoughts of grammar and spelling, all thoughts of my reality. I just think writing from the gut is the best was to get to the heart of a prickly bad guy. I have this horrible doctor in my script and I'm learning how he comes off as human and nice and yet he is the most dangerous man. He's dangerous because he has power over vulnerable people. I am not sure if writing a bad guy is a good idea during the holidays.

Also I posted an abstract post following some negative feelings I was having. I didn't say the real event that took place.
My brother in law told his son that it's a milder Christmas because I was moving. He told my sister that he said this to his son right in front of me. I shared with my sister that I wasn't sure how much money it was going to take to for first, last, deposit and moving costs, plus applicances. I didn't ask them for money. However, I might have if it came down to it. I don't think I would ask for so much as to change the face of Christmas. I would not want to do that. I need to have some dignity and I don't want help from anyone that would deny that to me. What I did ask for was help getting the bicycle from the bike shop to their house so Zachary doesn't see me do it. So far no takers on that one. I also asked my brother in law to take us to a putting range one day so zach could hit some golf balls with his uncle. I mean he coached a little league team in their town and not one person on the team was related to him. So I figured what the hell, why not ask if he'll spend an afternoon with Zach hitting some golf balls. He's got some pretty good golf stories so I am sure he's not going to be tortured at the putting range.
The thing about this is I think I'd ask this of him even if my son was normal. ON the other hand maybe if my son was normal it would be easier for him to take Zach. However, one can only compare a little league team to one boy and wonder what is the big deal? I run across this all the time and I don't know how to reconcile it all. I could be quiet and not ask for anything. I could push to include Zach in things. I could forget my idea of dignity. I could just settle down into my smal life and hope I live a long long time. I just don't want to sound insane on my own blog because I say what the real deal is.......

The last thing is that my financial life is held agaisnt Zach qualifying for disability medical insurance. He has to go a year with out self injurious behaviors to get private insurance. I have to live like this until he is 18 or unless I really make big money. I am willing to live this way to keep Zach with me. It's hard and I fight for dignity through poverty as well.