It won't have a happy New Year if I don't accomplish my ONE goal. Face it, I'll be happy with progress on my one goal. You must know it's my script. The script that I ripped out my heart and stole my wounds and mapped the breaks and traced them onto my charaters heart. I am still hurting from this proceedure and I am not sure If I am ready to offer myself up to that again. I jut can't seem to do it. Yes, yes, I know I have an excuse. I have a reason to a big fat failure. No matter that my goal is hard even with out constant distraction. I can practically hear the thoughts of the people around me. They are so sure of my potential. So sure that my son has taken my life. What they think would have been my life. If I had the potential to climb the mountain I am not sure that I would.
I swear to you it's not Zach's fault. It really is all my fault. If I was all alone with nothing to do but face my own struggles it would be the battle for my soul. It comes naturally to me to be of service. I am fine being a team player or cheerleader. However, it's not natural for me to be kicked and bitten in the flurry of one of Zach's attacks. No, I have an ego, it's the size of the universe and yet it's a just a space to me. It has become my shadow. The day I realized that my self esteem was the smallest small thing that there is. I knew I had to start to build a bridge. A bridge between the meek and the wild.my self esteem and my ego. A bridge that would take me to the fuition of my potential. I was exhausted by the mere thought of it . I was in group therapy, trying to learn how to be my highest self. Then one day I realized that I'd be all alone if I was congruent and healthy. I saw that nobody would play along in the confident and assertive world. To bring down family dysfunction in American would be catastraphic. If life is an illusion then I'll pick my favorite one and stick to that. All that insight and I am still a fucking mess. Oh yes, I told you, it' s me the mess. I have someone to blame it on but that's just lucky for me.