My New Earth work is actually on twiiter.com/BookClubClass It's a text messaging book club. In case you came here from the Oprah website and were wondering where it all is. I'll bring my New Earth Work over here because, I guess this is where it's meant to be. Welcome to Jippyjabber! PS I am auntjippy on the Oprah message boards.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Zach didn't get out of bed today. The nanny didn't show up. I missed an appointment and I didn't get my package to the post office.

It dosen't matter at all. I have that feeling. Not the holiday feeling. I feel like writting. Rather WORKING ON MY STORY. : ) I had a set back and it was hard hitting. I blocked out all thoughts about my story and just let it go. I thought that I would figure it out after the emotions calm down. I guess something good is coming. I feel it rising inside me. I love this feeling. I just need to show up and let it all happen. This story is intense because I let some of my past into the story. I usually expend energy keeping my past out. I guess I was too tired to keep it out and wow it really gave some texture to the characters.

When I saw the doctors last week. Dr. Gold suggested that I make my 3min promo in PSA form. A PSA about autism and pain.
I was against giving Zach medication. I avoided giving him medication for years. It was the sound of pain that got to me. I mean I didn't need to give him medication to put him in a chemical restraint. I was willing to deal with him as he was. As I figured out that he was in pain. I couldn't just let him suffer such excruciating pain. He was hurting him self from it. I will do a PSA and then a full documentary. I want the needless suffering to stop.

I wanted to write this blog about my new view on my story and how I am committed to finishing it no matter what. No matter what Mel Gibson did with his movie.The real truth is that I might be in the hosp. with zach soon and even if I feel like working my story I might not be able too. hmmmmm I am worried about Zach.

I think what I have for Christmas is what I have. I just surrender to this. I will be there for Zach and see what is happening with him. It could be that I am not giving gifts this year. I got the kids covered and a few things I ordered online. It's too late for anything else.

I had a plan I followed it as much as I could and then it was beyond the limits of one person.
Zach is either going to turn around and be ok or he will be in the ER for IV's and then hopefully come home.
What happens to Zach is that his cells loose energy. Mitochondrial disorder.......
I could give him gummy lifesavers ( LOL ) and sprite laced with emergenC. He gets better, I pull off some last min. shopping and reschedule my appointment.

I am worried about Zach, I feel like I failed Christmas, Yet I have a sense that it's going to be OK...... I feel like it will all work out. Sometimes my optimism is just stone cold crazy. I love it!

7 comments:

Amy W said...

I hope he's okay...wish I could be more of a help.

LoLo said...

Let me know what happens, if you two go to the hospital. Also I can help with any last minute shopping. Make me a list...

I like your new tag line, I like made up words that say exactly what you want to say and jiponics is one of the best! You rock! Your writing rocks!

And I want to read more of what you have to say everyday in here and in your script. I can't wait to read the first draft. And the inspiration you're feeling must be reaching me telepathically or something. I too in the midst of chaos and devastation am feeling quite inspired. I feel a new song coming on.

Thanks for all the love Jippy!

hugs & kisses....

cinemagypsy said...

You give Zach the best gift a parent could give their child every single day. Not many people have the strength and dedication you have.
This Christmas don't worry about what you can't do for people outside of your family.

Jippy said...

Amy, lolo, Cinemagypsy,
you have no idea how helpful you are.
I had isolated myself was hiding the truth. I literally refer to my blog as suicide prevention. I just don't want thoughts of futility that I usually ignore to one day have a hold on me. This is a safe place for me to say.....I don't know how this will work out .......and keep breathing.

The nanny( AKA lolo's sister) showed up with food for Zach and he ate it. He's now watching a movie. He's not in the clear yet but leaning towards getting better. I sent her out to run some of my errands instead of me doing it and her hanging out with Zach doing nothing and getting paid for it.
lolo can't wait to hear your new song......the man gave you something to sing about..... irony...

I was thinking about you cinemagypsy and then all of those who comment on my blog. You are nice people who know how to love. In the tuff time when it's hard and matters most. Honestly, your words of encouragement mean so much to me. I have heard other suggestions......

lolo do you really need a present so badly that you'll do my shopping for me to make sure you get one????...... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

cinemagypsy said...

I guess others have suggested an "institution." If you know that is not right for you and Zach, everyone else needs to support your decision.

If you are suicidal in this situation, however, that is not good for either of you. If you die or hurt yourself, Zach will end up where you did not want him to stay and he will not have a mother to visit him.

You need to stay alive for him, for your family, and for youself. And damn, you sure do need that Oprah spa vacation.

I can imagine how isolating it could be for you. Glad you found a place to vent and get encouragement for your writing and your life. All of it is worth saving.

And wow, you are kicking butt with Holidailies. Yay!

Jippy said...

CG, You are so kind. Thank you for you concern. I am not suicidal at all. I am going to post about this soon. Because recently a man shot his autistic son, and off a nearby bridge, a mother jumped off with her autistic son. I would never ever do that........ but just in case, that is what they thought, that they would never do it........I have decided to change my ways.
I also want to create a place where no one fears talking about how terrifying it can be to have such an uncertain future. I can only imagine that is the reason. .... I am not sure I want to know what made them do it........ but I do know that I am not going to encourage an environment for it in my life. I didn't do anything wrong but I did get closed off here. I love life, Zach loves life no matter how much pain he has.....he loves life. I can barely leave him to go shopping. LOL Your post is so kind and compassionate. Just if that mom or dad had reached out. So I am. I am reaching out long long before I ever feel like I could do any harm. I find it interesting though....I might have been born with natural optimism. I just believe things will be ok, beyond logic and reason, I feel it. Perhaps I have taken that spirit for granted.

cinemagypsy said...

Good, okay. I have a nursing license so I am bound by medical ethics to make sure if there is even a hint of it I have to ask.

A lot of people say things like "I feell like just ending it all" and they don't really mean it, most people don't, but there is a tiny fraction of them that do mean it and need help. Just making sure.

No, don't change your writing, keep saying how you feel, this is your blog, that is what it is for.