Zach didn't get out of bed today. The nanny didn't show up. I missed an appointment and I didn't get my package to the post office.

It dosen't matter at all. I have that feeling. Not the holiday feeling. I feel like writting. Rather WORKING ON MY STORY. : ) I had a set back and it was hard hitting. I blocked out all thoughts about my story and just let it go. I thought that I would figure it out after the emotions calm down. I guess something good is coming. I feel it rising inside me. I love this feeling. I just need to show up and let it all happen. This story is intense because I let some of my past into the story. I usually expend energy keeping my past out. I guess I was too tired to keep it out and wow it really gave some texture to the characters.

When I saw the doctors last week. Dr. Gold suggested that I make my 3min promo in PSA form. A PSA about autism and pain.
I was against giving Zach medication. I avoided giving him medication for years. It was the sound of pain that got to me. I mean I didn't need to give him medication to put him in a chemical restraint. I was willing to deal with him as he was. As I figured out that he was in pain. I couldn't just let him suffer such excruciating pain. He was hurting him self from it. I will do a PSA and then a full documentary. I want the needless suffering to stop.

I wanted to write this blog about my new view on my story and how I am committed to finishing it no matter what. No matter what Mel Gibson did with his movie.The real truth is that I might be in the hosp. with zach soon and even if I feel like working my story I might not be able too. hmmmmm I am worried about Zach.

I think what I have for Christmas is what I have. I just surrender to this. I will be there for Zach and see what is happening with him. It could be that I am not giving gifts this year. I got the kids covered and a few things I ordered online. It's too late for anything else.

I had a plan I followed it as much as I could and then it was beyond the limits of one person.
Zach is either going to turn around and be ok or he will be in the ER for IV's and then hopefully come home.
What happens to Zach is that his cells loose energy. Mitochondrial disorder.......
I could give him gummy lifesavers ( LOL ) and sprite laced with emergenC. He gets better, I pull off some last min. shopping and reschedule my appointment.

I am worried about Zach, I feel like I failed Christmas, Yet I have a sense that it's going to be OK...... I feel like it will all work out. Sometimes my optimism is just stone cold crazy. I love it!