I made the call yesterday. I 've been puttng it off. I've been talking about doing it. Blah........I called to get a bigger wheel chair for Zachary.
I feel like I am hung over from it. I wish I had gone ahead and drank my sorrows away for a change.

I remind myself, It's not so bad. Zach's not in the wheel chair all the time.

When we are at Children's hosp and around other kids in wheel chairs, every now and then Zach jumps out of his and walks over to look at something. I see the faces of other moms, wishing.

Then I look at the little one in the wheel chair. I look them straight in the eye and smile. We're lucky aren't we. And then with all the generosity I've ever known, they smile back and say, you sure are!

I found there is a rule about talking to kids in wheel chairs.
If it's the begining of the day and you can see them as a person, then you can talk to them. If you have seen one after another, after another, and your worn down......... you just feel so much pain knowing this tragic reality, You have to leave. They don't want your sad face.

One day I was in a waiting room. A mom talking to her beautiful teeager, she happened to be in a wheel chair. She was wrapped in a blanket. The mom was a small asian woman. She wore wrist supports on her arms. Pushing these wheel chairs can kill your arms and your back. I saw the mom watching zach up and out of his wheel chair. I saw the wishing face on the mom. She also had a big bag with her as most of us do . Hers was over flowing a mess. Now I had a brother who was wheel chair bound. Even with Zach it's no good having the stuff you need with out being able to get at it immediately.

I sat down next to the mom and gently wishpered to her. Do you need help dressing her? Yes, she did. She was supposed to have help and it didn't work out. She's crying now. Haven't I cried these same tears? She didn''t dare miss this appoinment today. She's been waiting months to get into this clinic. This was the best she could do.

She haunts me today. I have been her. " This is the best I can do" Will I be her again, even more like her? Yes, I am getting the bigger wheel chair. Yes, I am joining a rental service and moving to the first floor.