My New Earth work is actually on twiiter.com/BookClubClass It's a text messaging book club. In case you came here from the Oprah website and were wondering where it all is. I'll bring my New Earth Work over here because, I guess this is where it's meant to be. Welcome to Jippyjabber! PS I am auntjippy on the Oprah message boards.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I think you can dismiss bad things. I think you can just move on and ignore them. It's really quite nice to be able to do that.
At this place with Zachary it takes more than I have to give. Not because he is worse....he's been harder before. He's hard n different ways now. I want to feel like I know how to do this. I want to be independent but not isolated. WHY DO I HAVE SUCH A STRONG NEED TO DO THIS ALONE? I really don't want to let anyone into my life until I feel like my life is under control. LIke Zach is ever going to be under control..... I can try ....... I always try...... The only way to do it........is to really release and heal places in me that I thought were shadows. They are empty spaces instead. Wounds actually, gaping holes........ This is just naturally occuring this vison of my wounds and the healing process taking place. It's just me craving to stand in the sun, It's freezing cold but I am feeling a warmth coming towards me. In the past I was never angry. I just wasn't angry. I feel everything differently now. I feel angry and hurt and I not afraid. I just know I feel it because it's leaving. It's kind of funny.
If you've ever prayed for strength. Prayed to a god you don't believe in. It's kind of funny what happens. It's not an idea or persective. It's lesson in what things feel like.

Zach and I need to have some fun. It's critical, it's as if we are on E. I need to see him happy. Right now .......today.
I want to see him play and hear him laugh. I am so worried about making a mistake that will cause him to suffer more than he already does.......

I am frozen by fear sometimes. I just am not sure what is the right thing to do......so here I am doing nothing really......

There are other comforting thoughts that have started coming to me. I am think about a bookstore or coffee shop. I could open some place and Zach could work there. He also likes to shred paper so we might start a paper shreding service. Contact a few local business and see if they have some shredding needs. I worked as a credit manager ( in a past life) You can't just throw out peoples credit information into the regular trash. Most of it's in the computer but some things still get onto a hard copy. I think about a co-op situation with other kids that have disabilities.

My mind wants answers, my soul wants comfort........... I am just torturing myself......
Right now everything is ok. I guess that is what staying present means.......

4 comments:

cinemagypsy said...

You will feel better. You will.

Miriam said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miriam said...

I have nothing in my life similar to what you and Zach deal with. I think of you often, though. Hope you won't mind if I tell you I pray for you guys.

Can I tease you a little? I don't want a housekeeper because I'd need to clean up for their visit. I don't want to work out in a group because I'd like to be buffer.

If you could get things to where you guys didn't need a hand every so often, you wouldn't need a hand. Know what I mean?

Jippy said...

Cinema - G I do feel better already..... ( now comes the humiliation LOL)

Miriam, Interesting that you said I hope you don't mind if .....pray for you....... I think part of this is me getting god back. God as I have experienced him in my life..... not as he was defined to me. ......
As far as teasing me...... I am often found laughing at myself....... it might take a while so a nudge in that direction is a very good thing! lol

I appriciate the kindness I find here. I am trying to be open about this so that I grow. I may not already have what it takes but I am willing to see if I can become what it takes....... It's just not pretty. LOL