Happy New Year!

Rose Bowl Peek A Boo! I take Zach to Starbucks. We sit in the car and wait. The flashing lights start. A police esscort of the Rose Parade Floats coming into town and lining up. Open the window and take a huge wiff! They smell so good and weird. You are assaulted by the many different aromas. We follow them, they move slow but zach feels like the police are making way for us. Then we do the craziest thing. We drive the parade route. We get hit with marshmellows and silly string. ZACH waves and yells Happy New Year! I motion to all the naughty boys camping out in the steets to go ahead and peg us! We get beemed with confetti! We are stuck and waiting and drunk lady jumps out and decorates out car with ribbon. When we move we've got streemers. It's cook and Zach feels like the Rose King. He is the King! Now I have him watching Dick Clarks Rocking New Years Eve. I am hopping he's in the mood to get up and go see George Lucus and 200 storm troopers march in the parade.

This has to be a good omen for me. Mr. Star wars is our grand pubha!

15 Seconds of Fame!

You Tube Set UP


Free Video Formating


How I made my You Tube Videos.
I used my camera and pressed video.
I played a joke on my awesome sister and pain in the arse brother in law ....to be..

I impoted one video into I photo.
The first time, it did NOT auto format into MPG.
I imported it into Final Cut and then back out. ( one try it turned into IDVD format)
Next time Iphoto just made the video into MPG.

Once it's in MPG format you go to your You Tube account which is your own Channel! Cool.
My Channel
I don't advise calling your sister a narcissist, even if it's part of a joke that actually means that you are the real narcissist!

You go to your channel and find the button that says upload. Then you wait patiently!
I mean it can take time and if your not in MPG or you are over the time limit. I think it's ten mins.
You'll wait forever and then get an error message. Like I did. I would rather learn by trial and error.

It keeps me humble and reading the directions when you're A D D and dislexic sucks.
NOT HELPFUL AT ALL! I know it worked like a fluke or something....... But I did it twice.
Ok ok on my next couple of tries, I will completely understand the process.

But don't wait for me! I guess 2006 is the Year of YOU! YOU don't have much time left!
Go leave a New Years Video log for day one of 2007!

My sister is getting a lot of views and two whole people have subscribed to my channel. Now I have to make some more videos for my public. My people........ok, I think it was a mistake when they joined but hell, I'll take it, you have to start somewhere.

When I trip over myself and learn how to transfer my digital video to You Tube, I will put up my promo for my documentary on Pain Disorder in Autism. Hey it can't be any worse than what's showing in the top 50 right now. Uhhh anyone in the mood for a game of Hang Man?? No, I haven't watched any of them.....Did you?

Code to M&D Bonee /Alice Cooper is not a joke

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Just in case she thought I wasn't on her team, I like how she thinks and what she drinks!

AP Poll: Bush #1 Villain of 2006


Wait This Is News!

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Gerald Ford is Dead. I remember being told to run home and turn on the TV by the summer school teacher. I didn't need to go to summer school. I VOLUNTEERED to go. Why didn't someone tell me that I set myself up to be trashed by all of the either naughty or stupid kids? My sister was one of them. I thought if she had to go to summer school, I might as well go with her.

When the teacher said, go home and watch history in the making, go home and watch the president resign. I am sure, I am the only one of her students who actually did go home and watch President Nixon quit. Quit! I was afraid for our country. I didn't know a president could quit. In my panic of a pilotless country, I was introduced to Gerald Ford. What a relief!!! OK so there was a next in line. It was the firt time I cared at all about politics. Oh besides the message from the president in the Weekly Reader. I really believed in the Weekly Reader. Nothing in it prepared me for the slightest possibility that a president might be a liar and a cheater and be found out and forced to quit.

So, one bad one and he was busted and left. From now on we'd have only good honest men as presidents. Gerald Ford must be a good man if he was next in line. Oh to be that niave again. It seemed alright for a moment. Then came the pardon. At the time I thought if it wasn't so bad then why did he have to quit? I guess it was so bad. I guess Gerald Ford must be really really nice. I thought Gerald Ford had a kind of loyality that made him look bad to the very people who were demanding the president do the right thing.

It was confusing to me. But maybe Gerald Ford knew that it might not be good for America to have a president in prison. I had to believe that Gerald Ford knew things, top secret things, that helped him choose to pardon Nixon. I listened to him and found it to hard, sad, and noble. It was clear even to a little girl that he could have opted to make himself a superstar. He didn't do that. I myself was in the mist of intense peer preasure at summer school. It's brutal to be good sometimes.

The teacher had it right. I am glad now that I am older that I went home that day and turned on the TV and watched history in the making. I felt a horrible feeling in my gut for America when Nixon resigned. I went a long long time without feeling like that. 911 did it to me. How President Bush responded with the war. I wanted all of our good militarty persons after Osama. I still have a deep fear for America and worry so much about our leadership. Now, I worry about the worlds view of us. How we view ourselves, how seperated we are. How political we are and seemingly have to become. Even though Bush admitted to misleading the American public, I know he won't quit no matter what. I can't help it though, I belong to this country, I am American, and I am still waiting for that Gerald Ford kind of feeling.....

I am tired, just thinking about this Behaviorial plan makes it worse. I just need to re-evaluate the plan. I also want to capture all the behaviors on film. I have most of them. The mitochondrial stuff, isn't reflected in this plan. Not enough to be efficent. I am still learning. I know that the Holidays have taken a toll on him. Me too. I watched lame tv and well it helped a bit. I want the next year to be more fun for Zach but I don't want to over do it. I can barely post on time so I decided to find something I wrote already. Ironically, I ran across the very thing that is running me down. I am worried about Zach. Just that nagging worry that is underlying and dragging you down. I made it through Christmas. now New Years, and then it's his Birthday. It's a time of change and usually a big growth spurt for him. What will this New year be like for us? I need to think this through. I need to do it without getting stuck in a loop. I mean I can't look for answers. I need to try new things. I need to be ready for these things to NOT work and then just try something different. What to do about Zach? I just need to remember that he's got his own soul and this is his life's karma. It's our life but it's something we just live and take the journey together. It's tricky to make change. I can't force things as much as I want to CONTROL the situation, force never works.
I have the old plan listed at the bottom. You know the sorry truth is that I need a Jippy Plan too.

WE NEED TO HAVE MORE DAYS AT THE ZOO!



Pain Management Plan

-Determine if behavior is a pain response or not
-Give medication according to prescription

Behavioral warning signs with possibility to redirect or may progress into need for medication

- Facial grimaces
- Hand twisting
-Slightly jumping up and down
-Body twitching
-Increased hand persevering
-Standing and sitting repetitively and quickly
-Agitation noises
-Vomiting or refusal to eat

Determining Pain Behavior

- Redirect and watch for signs to return with in 20 min or less.

- Asking, Do you need medicine?


Behavioral warning signs for immediate medication

-Rolling tongue behind teeth
-Biting hands
-Hitting head
-Verbal complaints


Comforting and Calming

-Give cold cloth to bite on

-Give medication

-Encourage him to drink water

-Place him in bean bag chair and try to have a calm quiet environment until medication takes affect.-

-if he is lethargic and unmotivated. He needs juice and candy immediately.
- give him a nap. Let him rest.
-make sure he gets some activity daily.


-Evaluate

-resume day
-arrange for him to go to hospital.

Long Awkward Pose, Kathryn loses the moment and then attacks me! It's Christmas so the lights are low......so worth it though.

I stumbled on this, clicking through a comment on, The Show Must Go ON,Ape saidGo to Long Awkward Pose. A writer from Mad TV plays pranks pretending to take a picture, she video tapes them as they wait for her to take the shot. You have to go see her father! scroll down for dad What you do, tell them ( in this case Jose) that you are taking their picture. Hit video on the camera and capture the long askward pose! Keep it up, until they figure it out or you tell them. This is my soon to be brother in law. He's a French man and he loves to give me a hard time. Pay Back baby! This is so funny. He's a jolly fellow. It's Christmas so the lights are low but it's still worth it. So check out my bro Jose...... I did it to my sister and nephew and will post them on my U Tube ChannelJippyJabber Channel as soon as I figure it all out. These videos are dark but worth it.

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

The Bad Santa showed up. He came from "Where the Getto Meets the Sea" His Mustgang GT was smoking when he arrived.
He got to South Pas in 14 mins from Pedro doing 15o..... Nice....and dangerous. Yet what was he listening too?? I swear it's classical. I used to go pick him up and turn on classical music and hit the tunnels. I mean you'll have to experience this come up the 110 and head towards Pasadena. You need to do it in a 5.0 with a motified intake.

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Seriously, go try out the Santa Tracker.

Follow Santa

This is so much fun! Zach has been watching Christmas around the world. Well, Japan and Guam.......Russia too. If you already have Google Earth this should be easy to add the Santa Tracker.

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Please be good to Zach, Santa, he's been really really good. Super Zach He's my reason for living and he's worked hard to get himself out of a wheelchair and walking again. I am so proud. I am wrapping and making bows. Doing laundry and sending my nephew out on errand after errand. I can hear Zach sing, He's coming to town. He tells me, Mommy, It's Christmas. My little guy really is the reason for the season. I asked him, DO you believe Zach? I do belive. I do. SWEET!
How can Santa resist my Super Man?

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Got himself out of the wheelchair and walking again. Come on Santa, he's been really, really , really good!

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

Wrong Holiday! Yeah, I am on a slow learning curve... Look at my Super Man! He's in his "super suit"

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

How can Santa resist this little guy?

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

I am happy to present my latest painting. Next, I am will be doing some cool line drawings over some of my paintings. This isn't really the finished project, it's improved a little since this photo. AHH don't bust my chops over the lighting on this ...... I know it's x'd. I think I will put this in a shiny black frame. I really want this to rock on the wall of some money man. I call it Money Mojo.

Today, I got my DNA bonus. I have to borrow the phrase from my sister. Our DNA bonus is a check we get for the holidays from our dear old dad. My DNA is superior to my sisters as my check was higher. Just kidding! Maybe because I am older. More beautiful? Daddy's favorite?
I passed on my bonus to my brother in law who is taking care of my nieces and nephews while my sister just had her gallbladder removed. She's been out of work for a while trying to find out what was wrong with her body. I hope it was the gallbladder and then she'll be feeling better by Christmas. I know that there was no shopping done in Florida this year. So I managed to send actual wrapped presents to the little ones. It wasn't perfect. I had to get my niece to intercept the package and finish the names and bows and things like that. It's all there now under the tree.
I feel like I am forgetting something. I hope it's not a person. Maybe it was forgetting to blog today. I am just under the gun here. I am blogging from my sisters and should be drinking wine with her because the kids, including mine are sleeping. SO bye for now.... : ) By the way, I we are a bit sarcastic towards each other for entertainment. I wrote this knowing the little biotch will read it....... : ) DNA Daddy thinks very highly of you, in fact respects you.
I think I pulled it all off. I could upgrade the gift for my mom. IF anyone has a great mom gift idea, please let me know.

Saved by the pie. I took Zach out for breakfast. Trying to get someone with autism out of the house when they don't want to go is a challenge. Becasue of his mitochondrial disorder, I ordered pumkin pie. He took forever to eat it. He actually peels off the top layer, avoids the crust and cuts his bites into even square pieces and makes sure they are perfectly placed on his fork. That used to be my job. I helped him a little, I was enjoying my coffee, when I heard this little sweet voice say...... This is milk, I don't drink milk. I looked around to see who said that. It was Zach! He had a kids cup so I couldn't see what was in there. He reached over and took my water and drank it. I was so impressed that he told me what was wrong and fixed the situation. AHHHH what a great relief to see him so calm and communicating. I hoped the pie would stimilate his appetite for the rest of the day. I am still not used to the high carb diet for him and it feels wrong but works. The pie keeps us out of the ER but he hasn't bounced back yet. I think we'll make it. Really, the IV is so helpful it's not the end of the world if we have to go get it. The last time we went in, they had it ready and waiting for us. We were back home in under six hours. We used to show up and go through hell to convice them to give it to him. I'd have Dr. Joseph ( pain doc) call in and explain that it works and they'd do it out of respect for him. Now, we belong to the Genetics Clinic and they roll out the red carpet for us. It's awesome! In the begining, I was reluctant to have a lable put on Zach and avoided medication. Now, I think more lables, more help. I guess it would be differnet if he could attend public school. We have tired. ...... My brother died when he was 15. He never was as strong as Zach. If Zach is going to have a short life then why not pie for breakfast?

Zach didn't get out of bed today. The nanny didn't show up. I missed an appointment and I didn't get my package to the post office.

It dosen't matter at all. I have that feeling. Not the holiday feeling. I feel like writting. Rather WORKING ON MY STORY. : ) I had a set back and it was hard hitting. I blocked out all thoughts about my story and just let it go. I thought that I would figure it out after the emotions calm down. I guess something good is coming. I feel it rising inside me. I love this feeling. I just need to show up and let it all happen. This story is intense because I let some of my past into the story. I usually expend energy keeping my past out. I guess I was too tired to keep it out and wow it really gave some texture to the characters.

When I saw the doctors last week. Dr. Gold suggested that I make my 3min promo in PSA form. A PSA about autism and pain.
I was against giving Zach medication. I avoided giving him medication for years. It was the sound of pain that got to me. I mean I didn't need to give him medication to put him in a chemical restraint. I was willing to deal with him as he was. As I figured out that he was in pain. I couldn't just let him suffer such excruciating pain. He was hurting him self from it. I will do a PSA and then a full documentary. I want the needless suffering to stop.

I wanted to write this blog about my new view on my story and how I am committed to finishing it no matter what. No matter what Mel Gibson did with his movie.The real truth is that I might be in the hosp. with zach soon and even if I feel like working my story I might not be able too. hmmmmm I am worried about Zach.

I think what I have for Christmas is what I have. I just surrender to this. I will be there for Zach and see what is happening with him. It could be that I am not giving gifts this year. I got the kids covered and a few things I ordered online. It's too late for anything else.

I had a plan I followed it as much as I could and then it was beyond the limits of one person.
Zach is either going to turn around and be ok or he will be in the ER for IV's and then hopefully come home.
What happens to Zach is that his cells loose energy. Mitochondrial disorder.......
I could give him gummy lifesavers ( LOL ) and sprite laced with emergenC. He gets better, I pull off some last min. shopping and reschedule my appointment.

I am worried about Zach, I feel like I failed Christmas, Yet I have a sense that it's going to be OK...... I feel like it will all work out. Sometimes my optimism is just stone cold crazy. I love it!

You Are 25% Left Brained, 75% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences

I love Howard Gardner's books. His ideas on different types of intelligences. I read it to come to terms with my son's messed up beautiful mind but then I find a home of my own there too. I might be stupid but not in every way....... blah!

Get a brain sex profile from the BBC Secrets of the Sexes and find out if you think like a man or a woman

A couple of my scores......from brain sex.
I am a shemale......
I am also perfect for being Zach's mom.......it's cool to be validated.
This test takes a long time and my battery on my lap top was low and I had to run to the other room and get plugged in. Some of the tests are timed.

Empathising

Your empathy score is: 16 out of 20
Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20

What does your result suggest?

Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising.

This task tested your ability to mentally rotate 3D shapes.

Your score: 8 out of 12
Average score for men: 8.2 out of 12
Average score for women: 7.1 out of 12

2007 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible
Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

2007 Victory Red Corvette Convertible

Dear Santa,
Our one shared dream. Please oh please!
Love,
Zach and Mom.

www.corvettemuseum.com/webcam
We love to go to the live webcam and look at these gorgeous beauties.

Anyone can win......The National Corvette Museum has begun a raffle fundraiser featuring a Victory Red C6 Corvette Convertible. The winner will be drawn as part of the Saturday evening festivities at the C5/C6 Birthday Bash – April 28 . Tickets are available at $10 each with an unlimited number of tick
or if you want to build one.......
The exciting new Z06 Corvette is the feature of a new raffle underway at the National Corvette Museum . The raffle winner will have the opportunity to “ Build Your Own ” Z06 Corvette and choose from current factory colors and options. The unique raffle is limited to only 500 tickets to be sold available at $500 each . The drawing will take place on Wednesday, April 4, 2007 at 2:00 p.m

One day my mom packed up five kids in the back of her station wagon and took off to the family farms in upstate New York. How disgusting I felt when I drank a can of warm strawberry soda. I mean I can't stand the idea of imitation strawberry. If I don't pick it up and dip in chocolate myself I don't want it.
It was bad enough hurling pink puke all along America's highways. We got a flat tire on a bridge. I was scared and I fixated on the big fat sturdy tires so safe and sturdy. They were moving and I was wishing we had those fat tires on our car. That's how it started.

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Originally uploaded by jippyjabber.

So I am a day late but it's still cool and I hope I can play it like a game of tag instead. Blog Crush Chicks My blog crush has an awesome thriller coming out soon. He's got something for all writers, story tellers, dreamers.......

I read him all the time. He answers my email with good advice. He commented positively on my painting. He hasn't kicked me off his blog. He's smart, cute and if you listen to his audio blog, you'll find that he even sounds good. He is kind so don't be afraid Go check him out!

My Blog Crush

PS. I have to make her blog so I can comment on it. I comment on it even when she hasn't posted 4 EVER! But out of loyalty to my BFF I also crush on .........
My lolo love

Michel Gondry Solves a Rubiks Cube with his Feet

I need to drink with this man!

CODE TO BFF.......WHAT THE HELL? PORN KING? BAS......MOTHR FOKR BAS! YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED!!!!! BE STRONG TODAY.
REMEMBER CELL PHONE OFF AT HOSP. I'LL FIND CELL SAFE AND CALL...... I LOVE YOU. TAKE CARE OF U.

Hospital day today. I have had quite a break from it. I think it's been a couple of weeks! I'm actually looking forward to seeing the doctors today. They'll have lots to say about my documentary. I am trying to find the most beneficial point of view for the project. I want it to be educational for medical professionals and helpful to other kids suffering. I feel bad for kids suffering out there, not knowing that they can have help. Even to this day I hear that kids with autism don't feel pain. Zach's pain isn't necessarily related to autism.

We would be dead if it weren't for the pain team. If by any chance you are want of a good place to donate this holiday season. Go to my side bar and click on pain pain go away. It will take you to the Magic clinic. Making aches go away in children.

Zach has done really well except the freak out at the book store. OK that's not true. He's coming off as doing really well because he isn't doing too much.

He's mad at his cat right now and it's funny! He is also mad at the alarm clock. I find it cute and I hate myself for it. I dated this man boy once and he loved it when I was pissed. Apparently I am cute when I mad.......

One of the men, in the group that owns my building, asked me, to show him my tits. Yesterday, I went in to his restaurant make sure he knew I was not moving and to make sure I wasn't charged a late fee. I did tell him that I do need to move eventually because of Zachary's leg hurting and the occasional use of a wheel chair. Oh that's too sad for the little guy. Why don't you step in here for a moment. It felt really dirty and I laughed at him. He was really excited like he was going to get a peak. He gently guided me towards the vegie refridgerators in the back spouting out compliments that don't apply to me. I fixated on the big refridgerator doors and a mini snuff movie played in my head. I really had a hard time breathing for a minute.
I just felt like I had been in some time warp or something. Wait am I 19 again? I am not one of your waitresses. I have seen him slide his hand across the ass of a waitress and she didn't respond in any way. I guess it's job security of another kind. I know it happens when 99 percent of your being is against what is going on and you just wind up curious as hell about that 1 percent. It's a piece of you that you are rarely aware of so how can you fix it when it's so quiet most of the time. A lurking devil inside that awakens in the mist of other devils.

When I was in the sixth grade all the boys. I mean all the boys from all three six grade classes signed their name on a statue commending my bra. Yeah, Congratulation to your bra it's held up well. I know some of the boys signed some of the other boys names just so everyone was equally represented. Also the statue was for a secretary and they had to scratch part of it off to make it read just right. How proud and happy they were to present this to me. I was absolutely devastated. I wanted to go home immediately and I did. I ran home sort of crying, sort of in shock and then there was some sort of daze I could not understand. One by one the face of boy after boy looking at my tits flashed before my eyes and I don't remember how I got home.

My mom was proud of it and wanted to place it on the bookshelf. I just didn't have her sense of humor. Three times I threw it out and she dug it out of the trash and replaced it back onto the bookshelf. I finally freaked out.
In her irritation of my displeasure she decided to drag me into the principles office and demand an apology from all of the boys who signed the statue. What the............???

Am I a LOOOOSER or a LOSER? I don't know but it's so funny to me that for today I have no desire to die. Ironically, I feel so completely understood.

Another try.

Dear Oprah and Gayle,

I need a spa vacation. I haven't eaten a fresh vegetable in a year. Everything smells like smog to me. Everytime I go to look out my window, I can only see stress fractures caused by two bullets. I am so tired of the sound of helicopters. I can't quiet my thoughts or finish them. I am stuck in a world where I no longer know the difference between a friend or foe.

Thanks,
Jippy

Dear Oprah and Gayle,
Take two. I posted this late I am stone cold cheating again. I just got home and it's after midnight but it's till today to me.......If you want my excuse for being late just keep reading!

Dear Oprah and Gayle,
I need a retreat, because of nights like tonight. My son is freaking out wrecking his wheel chair in the bookstore. I need water to give him his breakthrough pain medication. He begins pounching himself in the face and head to release natural endorphines to ease his pain. I am standing close to him to create some privacy while smiling as kindly as I can at the child afraid to pass by us. Trying to let him know that I am not paniced so he shouldn't either. Just then my son begins to bite his hand and makes the most painful sounding noise a human can make. I pull my arm up into my sleeve and give him part of my jacket to bite on. He won't be able to tolerate a mad dash for the exit. But I do have the urge to retreat. Oprah, I really do.


I Like the little retreat thing at the end but I still have too many words. I might try some poetry next. Is this going to be a whining contest? Boo hoo for me no boo hoo hoo for me? LOL I am just kidding. Tomorrow I might try something about recovering my soul or the god of my youth. I mean I can't just go retreat and wind up never wanting to come home or just go there and sit on a rock and curse god.

Sorry for the late blog and cheating but damn read my tag line.......Looser Cast In Role of Saint. : )

Why I should win the O Magazine Spa retreat with Oprah and Gayle.

I have had one of those lives, where people have told me often along the way to call the Oprah Winfrey show. I've always replied, "I can't I don't open my mail and she hates that." I remember one time when I she was doing a show on abuse and my stepfather was in the room. This was a feeling of empowerment that I had never felt before. I am a fan of Oprah. I have tortured my nephew and my child with Oprah for years. My nephew used to get really fussy in the afternoon and want around chanting something indistinguisable. Eventually, we decifered it. "I don't wanna watch Opree Wincee" LOL ten years later I went through the same situation with my son. This time I have Tivo. Although I am so ingrained that Oprah is on at 3pm or late night that when I first watched her on TIVO my whole body clock freaked out worse than switching from daylight savings time.
I deserve a spa vacation because I need to recover my soul. I am walking through life as numb as anyone can be. I do the right thing for my son and that's it. I am so full of repressed anguish from watching my son suffer that I really feel I'll never know joy again.

This is my first attempt at the contest entry.

I watched the movies reviews and Mel Gibson's movie Apocalypto is the same story as the first part of my movie, Jaguar Knights. This blows hardcore. This is what happens when trying to channel in a story. It's open to anyone who reaches into the primordial mix. I am not sure if I can cut out the begining of my story and still have something to work with. I had too much riding on meeting a deadline with this story. My friend, a producer called and said, I am screwed with this. I don't know if I have what it takes to try to save this on time. The part I have to throw out is the part that I gave my all too. I was Meticulous in structure, format, spelling, grammer and plot. I am a sloppy blogger. I used to be happy with a B plus or A minus because I never had to study. I just answers pop into my head or pictured the book or blackboard from class. Now I don't own any knoweldge and I don't know my limits. I don't know my limitations and I was too afraid to find out. Here I am needing to know what I can expect from myself.

I am the only answer to raising Zach and I out of this situation. It has to come organically from me. I don't have much of a say as to when. I surrender to time. The more I push the harder things get.

I am not going to listen to anyone tell me what I need. I can see how that hate my situation and they want it to go away. We won't go away. We are just here together and I am keeping that sacred.

I know what I have to do. I have to stop being an asshole blogger and care about all of my words. I have to hold on to my own standards. I start over from down here, a much lower place than I was last week but much higher than before the medication.

If I had to quess, I'd say I'll try again. It's inhumane and ridiculous but It's what I believe I can do from here.

At least it's Mel Gibson's fault and not Zachary's.

I am cheating. I wanted to post on the conscious channeling and raw writing. I was hoping to explain how I try to shut off my thoughts of grammar and spelling, all thoughts of my reality. I just think writing from the gut is the best was to get to the heart of a prickly bad guy. I have this horrible doctor in my script and I'm learning how he comes off as human and nice and yet he is the most dangerous man. He's dangerous because he has power over vulnerable people. I am not sure if writing a bad guy is a good idea during the holidays.

Also I posted an abstract post following some negative feelings I was having. I didn't say the real event that took place.
My brother in law told his son that it's a milder Christmas because I was moving. He told my sister that he said this to his son right in front of me. I shared with my sister that I wasn't sure how much money it was going to take to for first, last, deposit and moving costs, plus applicances. I didn't ask them for money. However, I might have if it came down to it. I don't think I would ask for so much as to change the face of Christmas. I would not want to do that. I need to have some dignity and I don't want help from anyone that would deny that to me. What I did ask for was help getting the bicycle from the bike shop to their house so Zachary doesn't see me do it. So far no takers on that one. I also asked my brother in law to take us to a putting range one day so zach could hit some golf balls with his uncle. I mean he coached a little league team in their town and not one person on the team was related to him. So I figured what the hell, why not ask if he'll spend an afternoon with Zach hitting some golf balls. He's got some pretty good golf stories so I am sure he's not going to be tortured at the putting range.
The thing about this is I think I'd ask this of him even if my son was normal. ON the other hand maybe if my son was normal it would be easier for him to take Zach. However, one can only compare a little league team to one boy and wonder what is the big deal? I run across this all the time and I don't know how to reconcile it all. I could be quiet and not ask for anything. I could push to include Zach in things. I could forget my idea of dignity. I could just settle down into my smal life and hope I live a long long time. I just don't want to sound insane on my own blog because I say what the real deal is.......

The last thing is that my financial life is held agaisnt Zach qualifying for disability medical insurance. He has to go a year with out self injurious behaviors to get private insurance. I have to live like this until he is 18 or unless I really make big money. I am willing to live this way to keep Zach with me. It's hard and I fight for dignity through poverty as well.

List of things to do before Christmas. Weed out all of the clothes in Zach's closet that are boys size and see what he is left with. He's mens small now and it's a whole new world. He won't like it too much but clothes are on his list.
I plan to get books for most of family. I am looking for a really cool gift. One that is well thought out not too pricey and ultra cool. What is that, this year? I am not in the know. I am not a fantastic cook but sometimes I show up with a little twist on a standard. Like Pumkin pie spice or ginger in the oatmeal rasin cookies. I have no tricks this year. I feel like showing up happy and with proof. So much for my list. I am at pre list stage.

Have you ever heard a writer say that they need to write? The last couple of posts really proof how sick I get when I am not grounded in my routine of writing and painting. It's just my truth, I need to write and if I don't I have to at least be living my story in my mind. I am really right back into my story. I woke up so happy today and I was so productive. Even my nanny was motivated! She worked so hard and I really felt like I had help today. So I treated her to her favorite Noodles from Panda Inn and we got the new Pirate movie. I don't know who is hotter Jonny Depp Or Orlando Bloom. It was nice to hang out and be relaxed.

I got caught up in it. I didn't hold down the fort or stay the course. At first it was finding the perfect man. You can't tell me he's not perfect because he is. I am not perfect yet so he'll have to wait. Then I was interested in making money, just a little job to make some cash. What was next? Contests? I joined a couple of them. Oh yeah, Mr. not so perfect had me take time out to be suspicious and then angry. Don't forget the doctor drama which was not real at all. Doctors Joseph and Gold are still my hereos and I am still, umm me. Then it was the nanny not showing up and me not running things right. I pondered the irony of my BFF getting the man to move in and then he's suddenly a grouch. I didn't realize getting the dog first is the same as putting the cart before the horse. I forgot how much I love the fact that I can barely remember my landlords phone nummber after living here for almost ten years. That I know they call me their Princess of Pasadena and I cherish it. That on many New Years Day we mute the TV turn on the Rose Parade and open the windows, then run outside in time to catch the stealth bomber. I forgot that on New Years I have to be on my final draft of my script in order to not want to Jump off of suicide bridge drunk off Irish whickey with slashed wrists. I forgot that things I don't truly want siphon energy away from what I truly do want. Nothing worked out and I am glad to be back on my path before I have missed my deadline. I am so pleased because I broke my cycle of staying unconscious thinking someone else is stearing my ship not knowing until I crash that it's actually an unmand flight. That actually my body and my life were over here where I left off. I am getting good at coming back. : )

Life with a melted heart. How can I receive? I am a giver, a provider, a keeper of secrets, a hider of flaws, a seeker of invisability. I actually lust after my lost self, the perfectionist, the insomniac, the neurotic. How untterly capable and productive she was. Now, I am the humble and striving person. Don't worry about it, don't worry THEY say. It will work out. we'll make it work. Just let us know what you need. I say OK but that is just to shut them up. I smile a very obiedient smile too. I find out in a couple of days if I get the house. I've had offers of help. generous offers of help. I'm edgy and happy at the same time. I feel great that they care about me and Zachary. Something is stirring up my gut. How do you look someone in the eye and say Thank you and not feel smaller? This might be a case of Jippy's pride. I hate this! I think I am righteous and good. It turns out that I am prideful and maybe bitter about my situation. What was that crap about my perfectionist self being gone? She's not gone she's just pissed and stifled. I don't want to need anything or anyone. What is worse than need? I can live with out things I need. I don't want to be dependent. All that turmoil to find out, that what I want is to be independent. Could there be more to this? It's because I have someone depending on me. Asking on the behalf of my son. It's crazy weird. How can this bother me so much? I don't want to feel like a failure even if it's true or especially if it's not true. I tend to keep my dreams and lists of wants limited to what I think, what I know I can do. No wonder my life can be so freaking small! Even getting this house for us is making my world grow. It feels like it's right in front of me but I have to let it be mine. I have to want at least that much for Zach and I. I am asking for help, for a bigger world, one not limited to my own capabilites and it's driving me nuts. Perhaps that is why everyone is telling me not to worry...........urrrrrg.

Blog Blessed.
I am not sure how it works, but I have been blogged blessed. I told the ugly truth and admitted at least here in blog world, how hard it is for me. Just because I admit it doesn't mean I want to quit. I just needed to exhale. Maybe admitting that a power greater than myself must be keeping us together allowed me to let it in more. Maybe my Grandmother and my brother who are on the other side ( they are dead) are learning some metaphysical tricks and hooking Jippy up! I don't know but help has arrived. I've been wanting to get Zach a campnion dog for years. I was on a waiting list for two years and then got told that they closed the list. If I got the dog, it would mean I have to move. I have been looking for a two bedroom place that would allow a dog and be near the hospital and good schools. My sister found the dog and my parents found the trainer. There is really no such thing as saying no to my sister. Zach is sick and he really wants a red bicycle and a white dog named Bruno. If you have seen Tripplets of Belville, you'll understand. He relates to a non-verbal boy in the story. It's so sweet he closes his eyes during the booby dance in the begining, even when I am not in the room. My sister wants to give zach/ all of us that awesome Christmas moment. My mom has the red race bike covered. Along with a trainer to place the bike on, because zach can't pedal and steer at the same time yet. Zach will get his dog Bruno for Christmas and then he'll go back for more training but we'll spend some weekends together, Mom,boy and Dog. He'll come to live with us when he is fully trained. No way, could I get a dog and a one legged child up a flight of messed up wobbly stairs. So I went on line and starting searching for a place. A place I have looked for before and it didn't exist in the past. In one search, I found a place that is perfect for us. It's a few blocks away from Zach's ex- step mother. What the hell? Yes, ex-step mother, who was once my arch enemy during a nasty divorce. She was thrown into a world that got her kicked and bit and trampled on. She took the worst from zach before we had any medication. Because of her commitment, Zach and I both love her. It was actually hard to hate her because she was one of the best people in the world to go have coffe with. It's a weird world. Stranger still is that her husband tolerates her ex step child coming over and monopolizing the big screen TV! Zach will spend the day there just watching the same movie over and over again. I am happy to be their neighbor and it's a pretty good laugh thinking of James gettng the big news. This place is also close to BFF's work. Elona can stop over for lunch or before she goes home. I'll never stress out about running out of apple juice or toilet paper. It just isn't going to happen to me anymore. Hot damn! I want to cry and sing something loud and religous. I feel like this place is mine. I just hope there isn't anyone else feeling the same way. It's a competive thing to try and get an appartment and this is a little house. I claim it, it's mine. Thank you blog people, I admitted to you that I needed help and just sat with it and wow it arrived overnight. I actually feel like packing.. LOL : )

It won't have a happy New Year if I don't accomplish my ONE goal. Face it, I'll be happy with progress on my one goal. You must know it's my script. The script that I ripped out my heart and stole my wounds and mapped the breaks and traced them onto my charaters heart. I am still hurting from this proceedure and I am not sure If I am ready to offer myself up to that again. I jut can't seem to do it. Yes, yes, I know I have an excuse. I have a reason to a big fat failure. No matter that my goal is hard even with out constant distraction. I can practically hear the thoughts of the people around me. They are so sure of my potential. So sure that my son has taken my life. What they think would have been my life. If I had the potential to climb the mountain I am not sure that I would.
I swear to you it's not Zach's fault. It really is all my fault. If I was all alone with nothing to do but face my own struggles it would be the battle for my soul. It comes naturally to me to be of service. I am fine being a team player or cheerleader. However, it's not natural for me to be kicked and bitten in the flurry of one of Zach's attacks. No, I have an ego, it's the size of the universe and yet it's a just a space to me. It has become my shadow. The day I realized that my self esteem was the smallest small thing that there is. I knew I had to start to build a bridge. A bridge between the meek and the wild.my self esteem and my ego. A bridge that would take me to the fuition of my potential. I was exhausted by the mere thought of it . I was in group therapy, trying to learn how to be my highest self. Then one day I realized that I'd be all alone if I was congruent and healthy. I saw that nobody would play along in the confident and assertive world. To bring down family dysfunction in American would be catastraphic. If life is an illusion then I'll pick my favorite one and stick to that. All that insight and I am still a fucking mess. Oh yes, I told you, it' s me the mess. I have someone to blame it on but that's just lucky for me.

There I was trashed by life. It was Just beating the shit out of me. I was needy and willing to live with it. It's hard to play Santa when you have your child attched to your hip. I am forcing him to walk and leaving his wheel chair in the car in case of emergency. Push push push forward. Then I get a phone call and find out that the past is in the past and all is well with us. Us? A close friend who I had failed. I am trying to maintain some friendships. Because I need their light even if I can't give them much of mine. It was enough of a good thing to get me on too my next stop. Of course Zach is falling asleep and I need to get home before I have to try and carry him up a flight of stairs. I roll up into the driveway at the same time as Mr. Perfection. He's had a hard time with Mrs. Perfection this last year but sitll, I am not in the mood..... not able to go any lower .....not able to be intentionally made painfully aware of how I am not really pulling it off. And then the Christmas miracle. He was nice to me. He was nice to Zach and he was nice to both of us. I really appriciated it. I needed it. I won't be learking in the back ground this season. Suddenly it's too hard to sit this one out. I might just come out and really enjoy the making of cookies and the drinking of cocoa.

He won't come out of his room. He won't leave, Just stay home. I feel like a life gaurd. I am here watching him exist. How can he love life so much? How can he have such a will to live when his life is pain. Any normal bodily function sends pain signals to his brain. Is it real pain? It is excruciating, he bites his arm and squeals, tortured so fu*kkin tortured. I run to get him a cold cloth to chop on. I run for pain medication, breakthrough medication. I pry open his jaws drop in the pills just as he clamps his jaws down again. Damn it hurts when I move to slow. I pour water through his teeth and I know by now the odds of him choking or being able to swallow. I want to shut my ears off. I know he's going to get relief but I hear pain until my brain starts to reel. Just a tightening of every nerve in my body from head to toe. And I am small, I am only the pain center in my brain. I am blind and I feel a tapping, a you hoo..... a bid for my attention trying to remind me it's not really happening to me. I try not to hear this. I try not to accept love and comfort for my own sympathetic suffering. Because I know, I know if I turned to face this divine force that I could shred it apart, the bite of my anger and rage. How can such a gigantic rage be so hidden. It's not hidden it's riding on my hips, it's my fat ass, my effort to breathe, my silence, my big fucking silence, right in front of everyone. Stop his pain! I can't watch him tear himself apart, I can't hear that sound. The sound of raw nerves over charged twisting and shriveling dieing, misfiring. If I were to talk to god I might be doing the devils work.

Looser Gets Cast In Role Of Saint.

Hello Holidailies!

My name is Jennifer but to know me is to call me Jippy. I look forward to counting down to the New Year with new friends.
I have been lucky to scrape by making a living doing various creative projects. I mostly enjoy wrting scripts and focus on dialogue. I have a son with special needs. His name is Zach. He's 12 and it's been years just trying to find out what is wrong with him. I am completely overwhelmed and under prepared for this. I am a single mom and still not sleeping through the night. I started filming Zach to show the doctors what was happening to him. I kept on filming and now I am learning to edit the footage to produce a documentary that I hope will help other children that suffer. Help other mom's that are hopeless and facing futility.


It's a spiritual crisis. I have never needed a divine force in my life more. I also can't seperate myself from the pain my son is in.
Zach has a pain amplification syndrom, Maternal ( of course it's my fault) Mytochondrial disorder, cyclic vomiting syndrom, and Autism.

So that's me trying to be offical with the intro. Just call me Jippy and make yourself at home. Please leave a comment and I'll go check out your site. I am new to the blog world and it's been great fighting evil isolation and lonlieness with new friendships. I purge my darkest fears here and laugh my ass off. I also paint beautiful pictures of delusional visions of things just working out. Just like all survival techniques they've now become problems in and of themselves. I have a special look that I give Zach's doctors when I need them to pace the truth to me. For a writer I rely on the nonverbal means of communication a hell of a lot. Sometimes, I just belive what I have to, to get through it all.

The situation requires more than what I have and more than what I am. Yet, I am deeply in love with my son and damn it, we are still here. How can it be? How can it be twelve years of this now...... So looking back there is a miracle, it's abstract and hiding inbetween day to day and moment to moment. It has me on my knees and begging.

The very last day of NationaI BLog Posting Month. Thanks to Fussy I think much lower of myself now!

I hope I get good news today. I have my fingers crossed. I might be able to get normal sleep and recover my will to live. I am on the five year plan. Some where there is a man on the plan. I had a man claiming to be interested in me. He wanted in and I let him have some of my time on the phone. He was anxious to go out. I met him buying a lotto ticket. Until we talked about my son. He asked me if Z would live a normal life. Actually he assumed that Z would have a normal life and I corrected him. I cherish what I have, it's hard but it's mine. SO the guy told me I was wasting his fucking time. He litterally told me I had wasted his time and hung up on me. What an asshole! It' s no wonder I always want to blame it on my fat ass than have this type of bullshit in my life. I know a bunch of guys would feel this way but I would rather not KNOW that they feel this way. I don't blame the attittude it's a huge deal. I mean do have to rip me apart for it? I can't date during the holidays anyway. I am on the five year plan with Zachary. As long as I don't let this completely swallow me up I might be able to manage this with some success. I want more than anything to see Zach's suffering stop. I honestly would give up anything in the world for that. I am off today to spend the day at the Hosp. Today. getting results from the sleep study test. I got the appointment moved up so now I don't have to get the news during the holidays. I wasn't sure if I would be able to blog today so I stole something fun just in case. Life is better now that I have more to do. I love Final Cut Pro!! Funny how that works.


I stole this from www.mathematical-recreation.blogspot.com

It's a mathematical trick. Tell the person (or class) to think of their birthday...and that you are going to guess it.

Step 1) Have them take the month number from their birthday: January = 1, Feb = 2 etc.
Step 2) Multiply that by 5
Step 3) Then add 6
Step 4) Then multiply that total by four
Step 5) Then add 9
Step 6) Then multiply this total by 5 once again
Step 7) Finally, have them add to that total the day they were born on. If they were born on the 18th, they add 18, etc.

Have them give you the total. In your head, subtract 165, and you will have the month and day they were born on!

How It Works: Let M be the month number and D will be the day number. After the seven steps the expression for their calculation is:

5 (4 (5 M + 6 ) + 9 ) + D = 100 M + D + 165

Thus, if you subtract off the 165, what will remain will be the month in hundreds plus the day!

Candy for Breakfast!

Because Zach has a mitichondrail disorder, his cells loose energy fast. He needs carbs and sugar to help him function. He can't fast for more than three hours. He was up all night last night and finally sleep this morning. He slept past the three hour mark and no way was I waking him up to drink some juice. For some strange reason he slept most of the day. Wow! I am so happy. It is weird but after so long with out food candy is the best thing for him. HE is sucking on some Jolly Ranchers and I still have all the good mother integrity I need. How Ironic it all turns out to be. My sister invited us over for dinner and while it's breakfast for us, I am all for it. My niece will cook something special for Zach and we'll listen to the holiday music. I only hope to get off this vampire schedule before New Years! Tomorrow I go to the Hosp and get the results of a 48 hour brain wave study. I am worried, and I want to say Knoweledge is power but first you have to freak out a little bit. I think it's the law. Allow some time to freaking be overwhelmed by more medical crap and then have some tea and comtemplate how this knoweledgge is helpful. One thing I know for sure no mater what they found, I have in a sense, already been dealing with it. So, give it a name and maybe some meds and we move forward. Hopefully into normal sleep patterns and fruit for breakfast. This is my dream.

Save the Whales!

I was happy to read on the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration that they are reccommending new shipping routes to protect the endangerd Right Whale. These common sense actions used to be so hottly debated. I just wanted to bang my head against the wall. If you go see the NOAA website ( You can use my link on the sidebar to the right) you can actually see the hole in the ozone at the top and bottom of the earth. That means there are two holes. What it took to get us to put down the aqua net, but we did it.

I put my plastic bottles in a seperate bag. I sometimes put five bucks in the bag too. Then my son and I watch as a very determinded very old man digs through the trash out back and scores when he finds all the water bottles and ok the occassional beer bottles and maybe a few soda cans. We found a way to make it cool for us.

My nephew bitches me out when he sees me throw out the plastic piece that holds a six pack together. "How could you?" "How could you, Aunt Jippy?" I just laugh because I only do it for his reaction. He grabs it out of the trash and cuts it up and tells me about the sea lions and the oceans. I just laugh and am incredibly proud. Little good things that become a way of life and it's comfortable to us now. Like the new shipping lanes. I am sure in a few years the Mariners, the Captians will be confortable in the new course. And proud that this is a course that saves the Right Whales. Yeah!

I am so happy to have Final Cut Pro! I can't wait to get all of the raw footage loaded. I am just dying to get the documentary up and running. I am worried about some things being too graphic. I ran into a director friend of mine at Starbucks and he told me not to censor myself. YIkES! I just want to have a balance showing the good the bad and the ugly. Also, I have some interviews left to film and I planned on doing them infront of the green screen so I can add some special effects in the back ground and stay away from the talking heads on screen that bores the hell out of me. I looking for a good book on greenscreen. I know the lighting is key. I don't want the doctors to glow green.
My Nanny Blew me off today. She called twice earlier, didn't leave a message. I have called her and text message her and so far no reply. The problem with this is that I schedule to do things today thinking that i have help. Actually the problem is that I put off doing something thinking I would be able to do it today. When it's just me, I know I have to do it all and I act differently. I don't expect to be able to do anything on my own. I just integrate Zach's life into my mine. It is always challenging but it's rewarding to be getting somewhere. Nanny just called me , the housekeeper didn't do her laundry and she doesn't have anything to wear so she isn't coming. LOL

Yeah Baby!


I got a call from a friend of mine last night. I'll call him Peter becasue he is a reclusive artist. He was contacted from a film maker wanting to use one of his songs in her film. He seemed really open to the idea.
As the conversation went along, I mentioned I needed music for my documentary. He actually thanked me for the opportunity. I was shocked! In the past he claimed that his creative process would not allow him to score a film. So I never consider him for my musical needs.
I have suggested that he try nurturing the creative process and possibly letting it expand or grow. I am very excited to take my painting to another level. I know it's painful to be bad at something or to be, not good while learning, but it's the journey remember!!
I am excited about the possibility of Peter making the music for my documentary. He is a great communicator and always understands my point of view, while gently offering another higher minded vision. Also, I am very happy to feel a sense of collaboration on this project. What a happy surprise. Music is important in film but in my documentary it will be vital.

A book is Published!

Zibby Payne & The Wonderful, Terrible Tomboy Experiment. Written by Alison Bell.

Turns out to be a gift of Inspiration.

As I arrived at my sisters for Turkey Day she hands me a cute little book. I mean it's litterally cute and little. It's a Lobster Press publication for the tween scene. I looked at the cover and you see the skirt part of a pink frilly dress and pink argile socks with green converse style high tops. Nice, is this another joke about my arrested developemt? About the time when I was a tween and had to wear a dress and a baseball hat while ridding the three wheeled motor bike in an endless figure eight in the field next door? I had the time of my life punching it over the gofer holes. My question then was, if I am such a "Tomboy" then why don't I get along with boys? I mean even if I was a boy I would not run after a snake just when someone has fallen down and gotten hurt. I didn't know where to fit in. I turned to books back then and I tell you the Zibby Payne and the Wonderful, Terrilble Tomboy Experiment would have really spoke to me. A girl trying to figure it out on the fly and things making sense in your mind but not playing that out in the world just as you had hoped it would. If you Know any tween girls this will be great in as a stocking stuffer. Waiting for the next book in the series is going to be torture for them but Alison Bell has written some other books 'Let's Party' and 'What's your Style?' You might give them a try. www.lobsterpress.com

As I was checking the book out for my blogging purpose I notice a hand written note a few pages into the book. On the Tilte page it is written.... 11-17-06 To Jippy Best of luck in your writting career- we writers must stick together, Alison Bell.

Turns out that my sister and Alison both in their busy lives have taken time to give me the gift of inspiration. I hardly know Alison but she always takes the time to express compassion for my situation with wanting a career but first being a single mom to a special needs child. I can tell that she asks my sister how I am doing. That's not " hollywood nice" that's real nice.
Thanks Alison and Thanks Sistah!

Oh Happy Girl!

It's been said that on average we consume 3,000 calories on a typical Thanksgiving Day. How did I spend my 3,000? When a brother in law (to be) is from France and he worked in a bakery growing up. There is one word that sums it all up. Truffle. Boosie Gran Manier Truffels. The rest of my 3,000 was well spent on mashed patatoes, pie and wine. I know Truffels and Pie? Can you believe my mom went all the way to Juliane to get pies? If you have ever been there or had these pies you'd belive it. About the wine drinking. I did drink too much to start bragging about the good drink served. Give me something wonderful up front and then I'd be fine with Mad Dog after that. ( If you know what Mad Dog is or have ever drank it, you are in my secret club "Ditching Days")
I didn't get drunk but one of my sisters did. Ha ha, it was funny! We saw her closing in on my other brother in law ( an offical one.) We heard something about Love and his parents and then we heard the same thing again. So Kathryn decides to throw out a "Honey Do," to save her man. The flaw in the plan? Honey, Can you please get me a class of wine! Which meant opening another bottle. OOPs!
In her, " I am not even drunk yet" concern to bring food to her son, Sister packed up all of the leftovers like the Grinch before Christmas. I spent the night there last night and all through out the day today we'd hear, " the cranberry sauce ! she even took all of the cranberry sauce." All that I could think of was my other sister draggng her ass out of bed and opening the fridge to a huge bowl of Cranberry sauce and wondering what the hell am I doing with this?
Christmas, bring it on!

Sounds Good to Me!

I 've been playing phone tag with a long lost friend. It doesn't make sense that we are friends and some people don't like it. They certainly don't understand it. It was a time and space thing. He has cyctic fibrosis and thought he'd be dead before he was twenty eight. I have a son with an illness. So even though the illness wasn't in my body, I understood how it controlled his life. We just get it. That's all we have in common but it was huge for both of us. He is young and gay and finally getting over partying and getting into to his college classes. This is how i've been defined for the past twelve years. Zach's mom. It's even on the plates of my car. Zach's mom.
I've been trying to integrate a little more Jippy back into the equation. Sometimes it starts by talking to people who really know who you are. So I am dying to have coffee with an old friend. It's been phone tag. Finally he calls me today while I'm out to coffee with another old friend. He was happy for me but had to tell me how many times he's listened to my voicemail because I sound so good. Trust me, I know what he meant by that. Gay or not i have what it takes. He knows the story so he was probably teasing me too.
We both used to try every scheme to make money while staying home because we had too. Over Turkish coffee, I told Sasa my most embarrassing job story. I was on the verge of getting a job on a telephone customer service line. This was going to be a great job for me. I have worked as a credit manager for a large import export company and could resolve issues diplomaticallly. I looked forward to being challeged and really I just wanted to work. I called into the company for my final interview.
The receptionist was nice and transfered my call to her supervisor right away. Apparently, she thought she knew why I was calling. It turned out that this company had another telephone service division. It was a phone sex line! I was not prepared for that interview! You have to keep the men on the line as long as possible. Well, for the most part it will be men. Are you able to handle it if it's a women calling? uhhh??? I'm sorry, I'm confused. We were both very embarrassed and unable to stop laughing. I'm afriad our receptionist made a mistake and transfered you to the wrong division. I said, yes, she has, and tell her I said, Thanks for the compliment. Have a good day mam, goodbye. I'm still laughing over it, and that sounds good to me!

ANCORA IMPARO- I am Still Learning.

I just learned how to get the pic properly on this blog. In this I promise to print out my entire blog and to proof read it. I promise to learn how to reformat my pictures so I can put a pic up. A pic of me? Maybe I will get a good one during the Holidays. I am usually found behind the cameras. I am excited I am getting Final Cut Pro to work on my DVD. It a promo for my documenatary. I need a couple of projects and it helps if one of them is something visual. Today I am going to check out all of the sales. Why not?? The Nanny is on her way over. A day at the movies for Zach and I will get some serious cleaning and writing done. Also I am going to eat a lot of healthy food today and not be too hungry tomorrow. I think YOU on a Diet is working. Basically you don't eat hgh fruitose corn syrup or enriched flour. You have to walk a minamum of 10,000. steps.

Jeff Clayton Jazz

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Ten Things I Do to get my energy back.

Depending how far gone I am this plan varies, so I have listed the options I give myself. Three days is usually great and if I haven't been too bad one day can save me from going too far down. It's a goal of mine to learn to bouce back fast. To learn to get my work done or at least try to do anything no mattter what life hits me with. It has a lot to do with food because I learned that I starved myself fat and lethargic.

1) Nothing, litterally stop my mind from thinking about anything.
1) Talk to my best friend.

2) Add Emer'gen-C electro mix to my water and drink at least three of them through out the day.
2) Convince myself My treadmill needs to be serviced and I risk injury to get on it. Nothing makes me more tired than guilt for not working out.

3) Drink Probiotic Kefir for breakfast. Right now I am into Pomegranate.
3) If I haven't been stressed out and eating junk I 'll have a protien shake with raw cocoa nibs.

4) Snack through out the day on Grapefruit, fresh pineapple or Almonds and dried blueberries. Be aware that I am doing something good here.
4) Garlic stuffed olives or Wasa crackers with humus. This is great if you are trying to revover from a sugar binge.

5) For lunch I have vitamins, a turkey, avacado, cheese, tomato, sandwhich on a sprouted grain bread. Fresh lemon water.

6) A snappy nap. Convince myself I can take care of all of my worries later but right now I have to sleep for twelve or twenty.

7 Listen to self help or motivational audio book ( a short one and nothing lame like I love myelf just as I am becasue I really don't) I clean up my creative space. Arrange my paints or get my pens together. Anything that supports my process.
7) Egg white scramble with garlic, spinache, fresh basil with a glass of OJ or cranberry juice.

8) I tell myself that I don't have to finish this project or anything -who knows what I really need to work on? I do need to breathe well, So I make sure my gut goes out when I breathe in and then when I got this breathing thing down I shift my eyes up and to the right it's what we naturally do when we tell the truth. Then I fuck around with my mind until I feel really ridiculous. Holding out hope that I may have helped no matter how insane I have become.
8) Detox tea and list all the dysfunctional people I know. Try to blame them for why I am so fucked up and tired.

9) Remember I have been here before and it passed. While I wait I hope I might get lucky and I go get a lotto ticket and a protien candy bar.
9) Convince myself that I must watch this moive to get myelf back into the mood of my work. Then I steal three or four of Zach's gluten free ginger snaps. I focus really hard so I still have the cookies with me when I get back to the couch.

10) A cup of tea with non fat sugar free vanilla milk and I think of what my kid looks like when he's sleeping imagine him sleeping with his dog Bruno. The dog I promised to get him and then I'll be free to happily get my work done in this perfect little rythm of life. How nice it will be.
10) Steel cut oatmeal with sugar free maple syrup or absolute real maple syrup. Wonder if I could ever drink syrup and lemon water for a week. It was recomended on a recent detox fad. I'd rather get back on the treadmill and try to deal with sweating.

The one year anniversary of my grandmothers death is approaching. I can feel her around me. I am eating sliced Turkey with swiss on Rye Wasa Crackers. I am cooking Irish Steel Oats. I am not exactly craving castor oil. But I am looking for the, "cures of what ales ya." I know she is around me because she is nudging me along. She is giving me a boost of confidence. She also seems to be speaking to my son. A gentle whisper in his ear. He says things like, Your grandmother is furious. Your grandmother loves you. And to that I say. Ask my grandmother for the winning lottery numbers! I am ok with the whole supernatural thing -if we can get those winning numbers. Before she died, I sent her a California lottery ticket and noted to her, "This is what it looks like" We have a pact. Why not?? She's been talking about dieing for as long as I can remember. Meg, used to get upset and take off. I'd play along. She'd ask me what I wanted when she died. I got in a huge fight with my other sisters over a golden love seat and a fish tank. She didn't even own these anymore when she died. I think the hurricanes in Florida took care of most of their furniture. One ThanksGiving she asked each one of us what glass we wanted to drink out milk out of for dinner. She had Waterford Crystal, some brought by herself from Ireland. I went for a cup that was part of a cider set. It was an abolone shell pitcher and six small cups that a late relative had decorated with gold leaf. It was so beautiful and sacred to me. She made sure I had that set before she got ill. I am going to drink milk out of it this Thanks Giving in her memory. AND I am going to play the lotto. She thinks of me as a winner and feeling her near me helps me feel that way too. Thanks Nan.

i need sleep. I can't even catch type o's. My son has been up for days and I might be on my way to the ER A new medication works well on the nerve pain but not on other pain. Damn. I hate to do this on a Friday. I hope I can post everyday no matter how offensive it is............... Just in case this is today. I gotto go........chow; I paged the doctor twice today as usual during a medication change. We upped the meds and Zach is not on his way to the ER. I like this medication he just needs more. Bummer for me it means I have to go back sooner to see the docs and get Perscriptions. I don't know how they tolerate seeing so much of me. During the first year It was not uncommon for me to cry during our visit and I would just ask them to ignore it. How long can a person go without sleep?? They were true gentlemen and let me cry and act as if I wasn't.
I was just so relieved that I wasn't alone trying to help Zach anymore. I think it was Post traumatic crying. These guys are super human.

I am so annoyed with the body mind healing. Am I supposed to tell my son he isn't thinking the right thing so he's going to contiue to suffer? Then when he thinks right, then GOD will do his part and heal him. Why do children suffer? Am I to believe that his spirit is ill? Don't tell me what you think GOD"s relationship with Zach is. All that matters is love? The only thing I can take from this mind healing stuff is that Zach's pain is not Zach. It's just pain. It's not Zach. I can see zach through this pain. I see him, he is so beautiful. He is peaceful and wanting to live a full life. It co exists with his pain and torture. I am in awe of his love of life. I litterally tremble with the fight to stay nurturing as useless as it is at times. It helps for me to control my thinking. It helps to never think futile or helpless thougts. I need a miracle. I need to see Zach joyful and happy. I think I will take him to Universal Studios. If I go soon, I will get a free pass for all of next year. I am in the mood to go catch some sun sets. Isn't this the time of year in California when the sun sets are most beautiful? I am ready. I am just needing the filling of the well to be gentle and wonderful.

A man who always wanted to be a hunter kills two squirrels.
He takes them to a taxidermist.
He brings in the squirrels and he really doesn't know what to say.
So the guy in the shop looks at him and says, Do you want them mounted?
The man replies, No, holding hands will do.

Again, A joke from my sister Meg!

More about Meg,

I am really really sorry if referring to her as "the updater" in my computer call post was seen in any negative light. She recently tried to stay on the phone with me beyond the update staus and into jugleing a call and her life. I wondered why is she staying on the line? Perhaps she reads my blog? No comments from her though.......Just so you all know....... I always know Meg is busy. She had high standards for her family and her job. She does everything well. She is smart and the person I ask for advise.
I could not live with out my updates. I love hearing from my sister Meg, and will take any bit of time from her busy life.
She is an inspiration to me as a mother and a sister. In my darkest moments the phone has rang and Meg somehow knew she had to call me. Woke her up out of a sound sleep. One time Meg called a phone booth at the Hospital, Just when my husband was walking by and I was in labor???? I'll take Meg's calls anyway they come.

I was waiting on a sign. I wasn't sure if I change my script. I just didn't know if I wanted to work on this or take on something new. I was thinking about blogging. A Blog showed up on my screen and it was a story about what happened when he sold his first script. Then I when I went to turn on I tunes I hit the final Draft button. I had tivo on for Zach and a scence come up that was the real reason I saved the show. It was The Most Extreme Cats. It a a bit about a tribe. I wasn't sure where to start my story. I just found out I need to leave it alone. Leave the beginning at the beginning. I could cut it off and I would have still have a movie. Something commercial and less of a story. I guess I'll leave that cutting to the director or the editor but I am writing the whole story. I am not a good writer but I am an excellent story teller. eventually I use the other side of my brain and clean things up. I am sort of the dyslexic typer. I get letters in words that belong in words two sentences away. I think I should try to increase my speed a little it might be better for me to type faster. I am not sure. I can type as fast as I talk but not as fast as I think. That should be my goal. My goal is to meet my deadline for this year. I will because I can't live without it. I just have to finish this. I am getting excited because I got a sign. Now I can get out of my own way and finish this. I love this story. I am scared of the bad guy. It's like having a pet spider.

Another right place at the right time.....

Before I got my Costco card, I used to stop in the Dollar store and
check out if they had any purified bottles of water. It's necessary for
Zachary. Not spring water but the pure stuff. I usually get some Crest,
Ajax, and Panteen while I am there too. I mean what the hell it's the
same stuff for a buck. It helps when I throw down close to a hundred
for a pair of shoes for a growing boy. This particular time they only
had the huge two and half gallon bottle with the sprocket. The fun kind
that goes in your fridge and your child can stand there and create a
mini pool on the floor for his artic seal and polar bear toys. I hate
carrying these things up a flight of stairs with my bag of all things
and corralling my son up and into our home. I Promised myself I would
not buy more than I can get up and into my place in one trip. It just
isn't worth it. It's a little better now but once Zach got home he'd be
ready to express his frustration from being out and about. So why
couldn't I just buy one thing of water? Yes, it's a nice price for
water but I hate these sprockets because zach finds them so much fun. I
must have done the equivalent of Arms of steel lifting the second thing
of water in and out of my cart. I left it and went to the toy section
and told Zach he could have any one he wanted. Those were the days. I
just like leaving there spending only five bucks. But no, I walked all
the way back to the water and got that one that I used for training.
One more heave hoe and I am back to my confusion, Why can't I stick to
my own rules? So I compromise with myself. I put one of the waters in
the seat next to me buckle it in and I'll get it out tomorrow. The
other one is in place for me to grab it as I get Zach and his stuff to
come with me inside. I wasn't going home yet. I still had to get
downtown Los Angeles and if I didn't get a move on it, I'd be stuck in
traffic on my way home. A new toy in for Zach was just the thing to
keep him occupied on while on the freeway. I made it downtown but Z
didn't want to get out of the car. I had to wait until he would
cooperate to get upstairs and meet with a regional center worker. What
a night mare just getting Zach into the building. Once again I am
feeling hopeless. The worker knows my future and with out knowing it
she told me it's going to be hard. I just don't want to be helpless and
a burden. I always felt a sense of destiny to help. I just had so much
compassion and empathy. I just didn't want to be the needy one. So I am
building up my grudge towards god and I am stuck on the freeway. It's
not moving. It's crawling at the slowest pace I have ever seen after
years of being on this freeway. I think I see something up ahead as I
move over to get off I wonder if this problem up a head is blocking my
exit and then I will be here for hours. It's a gamble but with Zach I
have to get off the road before he reaches his limit. Yes, he' s in a
car seat but he has gotten out leaving his diaper down around his
ankles. He is a little Houdini. He is also a little Tasmanian Devil. I
am finding it hard to breathe as visions of our last freeway incident
plays in my mind. I was driving back from Orange County and Zach got
out of his car seat and over the into the front seat in an instant. He
was in so much pain and uncontrollable that he was thrashing about hit
his head on the windshield and broke it. I was in a construction zone
and was sure I was going to die. So I needed to get to the exit.
I have realized I had no control and I just surrendered to the moment. I could see the
guy on the side of the road. His car was on the island between my lane
and an on ramp. Cars still emptying on to this freeway and not getting
too far. It was slowing down and things stoped cars stuck on the on
ramp. This guy was standing there holding the radiator cap and the
steam piping out of his car. I reach over opened the passener side door. He looks at me,
looks inside my car, I unbuckle the water, he reaches in takes the
suitcase of water and shuts my door just as I slowly creep bye totally
in syn with the pace of traffic. I just couldn't believe it! Neither of us
ever said one word!
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I don't know if my blog exists right now. I found the dash board but when I try to read my blog it won't come up. I am so lost. I got a call from my sister asking me if I had an Amazon wish list. She didn't really like the books listed on my wish list so she needs me to update it before the Holidays. I wanted to tell her that I know it's great to click and point but I am planning an outing to some specialty bookstores. Before they don't exist anymore. I love the point click and deliver. I wonder if it matters where you buy the book from? I have to get my wish list together. So give me some good ideas.

Doctor Doctor!

Off one hook and on the another. Here I was worried about emails I had
sent off to Zac's doctors. I wrote them in a haze round 4am. I really
did not want to talk about the e-mails. I was so embarrassed. I went
last week and the receptionist had told me the wrong date. So, I had to
go through the dread all over again. Of course it turned out to be a
long wait. I have waited as long as four hours to see these docs. It's
a long time in a small room. You really want to be angry. When you see
strollers passing by that look like mac trucks carrying three or four
machines and one tiny little person you suddenly have patents you
didn't know you had. So maybe they have a good reason to be so late. It
wasn't too bad we waited just about two hours and we kept the door
cracked so we didn't feel like we were running out of air. They had an
intern with them so I figured they weren't going to get into it with
me. Until they asked her to leave. Oh fuck. I am ready to apologize.
"We've read over your emails and just want you to know we understand
your concerns." Ah what? Ah who? This is a couple of great doctors and
very decent human beings. I have not come across that combination too
often. The funny thing is, I did myself a favor ( so I thought) and
never re read those late night emails. I wasn't exactly sure what I had
wrote! I felt like I was in an improv class. He's say something
regarding my "concerns" and I'd reply mostly expressing regret from
writing them with gratitude for all that they have done for Zach and I.
One doc in particular wanted me to know how he understood. How they not
only there to help Zach but me too. Oh boy I could use some help!
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Can I post from Email?

I am trying to learn how to mobile blog. Step one post from email.
Next will be posting from my cell phone. So this is a test.

_________________________________

Commuter Call! I am home with my child. I am a middle child. I am a good listener. I am an easy target for the commuter call. I live in Los Angeles so a lot of people I know, find them sleves stuck in traffic. It doesn't really matter anymore because I get commuter calls from Florida. Thanks to the new calling plans from the cell phone companies anyone can call from anywhere at anytime. If they find themselves bored or lonely. Just killing time between the drycleaners and the soccer field. Sometimes it's exciting from Warner Bros. studio to a seceret location of big A- lister Party. Commuter callers are out there in the midst of living their world. My sister Meg, in Florida is the updater. Just making sure she's checked in with me and knows what is happening with Zach. OH ! here comes the kids, the movies over, I'll talk to you later. OK and let me tell you this chick can really stretch out the meaning of later. I don't wait by the phone anymore. Then Bridget calls at 2 am just in case I am awake with Zach, ( I am ) and she's stuck under a hook. A Hook? This is when the black sheep of the family who got her stuff together and became a Long Shore man, tells me the ins and outs of the Long Beach harbor. Don't mess with me people because I will sick her on you! Oh, the cranes moving again, gotta go. The worst offender is my sister Kathryn. She commuter calls me when she's at home. I have actually listened to her give her daughter a bath READ her a bedtime story and then abruptly hang up on me when it's martini time. Then my boss starts calling me after every meeting. Driving home, he just wants to let me know how it went and if he'd be getting work which means I might need to be available to help. I think there should be a commuter call internship program. I have literally learned the nuts and bolts of producing commercials and indepdenent films via commuter call conversations. Lectures, I should say because conversations might be a stretch for what actually goes on. Usually, the "conversation" starts off with, Are you near your computer? Ok, thanks for that sweetie, bye. Can you work in Hollywood and not be called sweetie? Yes, I think so but not at the Commuter Call level. Sure, he'll ask what's going on with me occasionally but there is really no time for me to answer. He's finally at the Deli and he's been craving this for two days. Then it happened. My mother calls me one evening and I am listening to her about the corporation spiltting and what is going to happen to her 401K and who is going to loose their job and who isn't and what is her five year plan. Oh, I am home now, I'll talk to you later. That's it! Do you people know that I am listening to you waiting my turn to tell you something and when you get where you are going you practically hang up on me? So I have instigated a rule. I notified them all. From now on when you call me from the car you have to tell me up front, " This is a Commuter Call." You know they do it! It's seems funny now but my sister calls me, "Commuter Call" and I jump right in and say, Hey I have to come over tonight to let Zach swim in the pool is that cool? Yes, OK, now I am free to listen to you yell at traffic, which is dear lord so much fun!

I am off to the Hosp. with Zachd. Just in case it goes bad or really tires us. I am posting quickly before I leave. I promised a story and if I have time I'll do it when I get back. Also I need to edit the first one. I am writing a reply in my head about mitochondrial disease. I want to say what is most important and yet I feel like I wished I had already done this. For now I say google Dr. R Boles. becareful it looks grim on the surface. I am going to list the supplements perscribe to us as well.
I am CYA for NaBloPoMo.... Hope I am back with a long post tonight. If not I am comforting Z.

I was there for you baby! A few stories where I was an angel. I was a part of synchronizity. I was there in the right place at the right time with the right stuff. I am the single mother of special needs child. I have been humbled. There came a point where I just could not take anymore. I literally was tired of asking for help and I had a hard time saying thank you because I wanted to say, we'd be fine now. I won't need anything anymore. I sometimes said nothing more than thanks. Dipping into my parents or worse yet my sister's saving account and knowing I'd be back. The look in their eyes or the sound of their voice that said, I know you will be back too. I just found it so excruciating to be so helpless. I was getting fired and quitting jobs. I to go immediately to my son, and that call was coming more and more frequently. I was an inadequate person in an extended crisis situation. Needing help was getting old and I wondered how long could I be such a burden on my friends and family? I was so grateful and scared because I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel. In hindsight it was too far off for me to see. I knew there was some help from the other side. I was having a hard time praying because of the disgusting, horrible, terrifying pain, torturing my son. I could not be in the presence of this trauma and speak to god. I think I was holding up and invisible to the human eye flashing fuck off sign. What I mean is that I felt as if I was keeping a force out. One that was willing to sit with me during Zach's torment. I was saying if you aren't with him then you can't be with me either. Although somehow the force was with us. We were still making it and the numbers didn't add up. So I said to whatever that was that was sustaining us. I can't take anymore. I just don't know how long I can be this humble. So what happened next is that my sister gave me her old computer. I put my dinosaur computer outside my door. Not looking forward to lugging it down a flight of stairs while trying to keep track of Z. Then I get a call for my sister in Florida saying, you've got package coming from UPS don't leave yet. OK, So I sit down and contemplate the irony of this powerful force. It just doesn't matter what I say. I don't know why but I lightened up a little anyway. Then a knock on the door. The UPS guy, gorgeous and happy. I sign for my package which I am getting really excited about. Then just as gorgeous UPS guy is about to leave he stalls. Is this your computer? Yes. Are you getting rid of it? Yes. Does it work? Yes. I have the exact same computer that just broke down. Do you mind if I come back after my sift and pick this up. It's my pleasure, I was not looking forward to carrying it down the steps. It was awesome! I quickly shut the door before he saw me blissfully laughing and crying. I was the helper! I was the one with something to give. Of course I received a lot to be able to do it but maybe that is just how it goes.

The next story is a dance of synchronization and I am not sure but even telekinesis. You'll have to come back tomorrow for the story. I have to get dinner for Zach and I have to dye my hair tonight.